Interviewing men for positions as part time submissives allows me to practice a range of play from soft and sensual to harsh and demanding. It also helps me avoid deep emotional attachments before I have worked through my current issues and regained a sense of autonomy in my life. Because I am taking on several part time submissives, I am not focusing all of my attention and feelings on one person, it helps me keep an arm’s length attitude to the relationship. I find in interviewing male submissives that I am the one in control; I listen to their conversation and take note of anything that stands out as something they crave or something they want to avoid. If they are interested in activities that I don’t care for I have the freedom to say no and have it stick as opposed to being interviewed by a Dom who would suggest that in time we will push that limit. I have become the limit pusher. Bottoming gives me the chance to go to a Dom with a certain skill I want to experience and ask if they would be willing to Top me, we negotiate my limits and because it is not an ongoing play relationship, there is no talk of gradually pushing my boundaries. Even as bottom, I still maintain the control.

I meet submissives in a public place and talk one to one on a human basis, not as Domme/sub, but I caution them, that should I decide to take them on, they will not find me as accommodating and polite. I also warn them to be careful what they ask me to help them improve in their lives, like punctuality or manners as that is what I will become very strict about and be meticulous in demanding improvement. As a submissive, I would be the one bowing to a Dom’s wishes and striving for improvement according to their timetable. As it is now, I am undergoing self improvement at my own rate under my own conditions.

I am entering a time of introspection and study, finding a path that will carry me into retirement and beyond. Whether I will ever submit to anyone ever again is something I cannot predict, how my path will impact my BDSM lifestyle is also an unknown for now.

But in the here and now I am focusing on my spirituality and my domination, both of which are returning to me a sense of the personal control that has been taken from me.