For one thing, gay people don’t wake up one morning and decide they’re gay. At least I don’t think they do. I couldn’t. There is literally a zero percent chance I’m going to wake up tomorrow morning and want to engage in sex with a man. However, I could say I was born a Dom... have been a Dom for as long as I can remember. I didn’t choose to be one, nor do I believe a person without the tendency can ever successfully become a Dominant.

Another area homosexuality and D/s have in common has to do with societal perception. I don’t know a lot of people that announce to the world they’re Doms and, until recently, there were very few gay people who announced their lifestyle choice either. Of course, today it’s a bit more acceptable for them to do so. The same can not be said about the D/s lifestyle.

I had the problem myself. I was a Dom, but very few people knew it. My friends didn’t, nor did my coworkers. My wife knew, of course, but no one else. A good number of people are thinking, so what? It’s between you and your wife, right?

Yes and no. Certainly the sex is between me and my wife, but beyond that, my wife might want to wear her collar in public, or even call me Master. Can she? How many subs have more decorative collars that look like jewelry to wear outside? How many don’t wear a collar out at all. On one hand it doesn’t matter, as the collar is simply a symbol of her devotion to me, but still, shouldn’t she be free to wear it anywhere?

The D/s sigil is a symbol known to those into the lifestyle and almost no one else. I have a silver ring with the sigil on it that I wear when I go out somewhere. I’m still waiting for someone to see it and give me that knowing smile, or secret nod. It’s like pagans I knew used to wear green buttons with nothing on them. No one else thought twice about them, but some pagans might recognize it and it might identify you as one of them.

Why all the subterfuge? Why not have a secret handshake? Why do I go into work on Monday morning, and have to lie when I answer the question, “So what did you do over the weekend?”

“I went to a munch, met a really nice girl with masochist tendencies and brought her back to my place for a spanking.”

Try it. See how well it goes over.

I’m not talking about flaunting who you are. You don’t need to go into work dressed in leather, carrying your flogger, but you shouldn’t have to hide who you are either. I believe this strongly enough where I came out of the closet myself. Here’s how it happened.

Several years ago, I managed a computer store in Brooklyn, New York. At the time, I was getting further and further into the lifestyle. There's a difference between being a Dom and being into the lifestyle, of course. I’ve always been a Dom, even before I knew there was a lifestyle.

So there I was at work, talking to a pair of girls I knew from Texas on my cell phone. Real life submissives, each on an extension in the same house. No, it wasn’t the kind of call you have to pay for.

One of my coworkers (or rather an employee, since I was the manager), passed by and asked who I was talking to. So I told him. He didn’t believe me.

I won’t go into the exact dialogue, but when I told him I’m a Dom, I own a couple of women, he just looked at me and shook his head. Yes, I have a weird sense of humor. It actually took bringing my real life sub into the store to prove the point. I had her speak to the members of the staff who didn’t know me well enough to believe me. Why?

Because then, when she called the store, she could ask for my Master instead of asking for Steve, if that’s what she wanted to do. But here’s another issue.

I don’t necessarily believe in marriage. So why shouldn’t I be legally entitled to share benefits with my slave, even if we’re not married. Of course, there are legal partnerships today in most places, but would it hold up? Your slave gets injured and is in the hospital.

“Please, I need to see her.”

“Are you her husband?”

“No.”

“A relative?”

“No.”

I suppose today you could say you’re her partner, but just once, I’d like to see someone say, "No, I’m her Master."

I recently moved to Australia, and wondered if we shouldn’t just tell the immigration people when they asked about our relationship that I was her Master. Too important to risk, I decided, but hey, I was tempted.

And what did my coworkers and friends think when I came out of the closet? When I told them I own women, deal with it? Here are some of the responses.

“Only you, Steve.”

“You are truly twisted.”

“Wow, how do you go about something like that?”

“Yeah, right.”

“You? I was sure you were pussy-whipped.”

“I don’t get it. How can you own a woman?”

Etc. The responses varied. One thing that didn't vary was my friendships. I remained friends with all the same people. My family, though they didn’t really understand, didn’t argue against it (though my sister Rita suggested I seek out the help of a therapist) and my mom, who at the time was in her mid-seventies, didn’t get it, but then never expected to understand anything about my life, so it was okay.

And when I moved to Tasmania to be with my slave, she called me Master immediately, even in front of her two teenage boys. We eventually explained the relationship to them in the simplest terms possible. Strangely enough, they accept it as par for the course and I’ve become close to both of them.

Here’s my question. How close are your friends that they’ll walk away from you without trying to understand? How can you truly be Dominant, when you have to hide who you are from just about everyone you know? Shouldn’t you be proud of who and what you are?

These days, it's politically correct to flaunt your heritage. How many African Americans have ever been to Africa, or even know what part of Africa their ancestors come from. If you're Irish, you might go to the Saint Patrick's Day Parade, even though your only link with your ancestry is a fondness for potatoes. I know next to nothing about the Jewish religion, though I was raised Jewish and if someone asked me, I'd probably still tell them I'm culturally Jewish if not religiously. So why can't I tell them I'm a Dom, when that's the lifestyle I actually live? Why should I say I'm of Eastern European descent, when I don't identify with any of the countries my grand parents were from at all? Should I just say I'm an American. I'm probably more into D/s than I am patriotic, in fact, I'm sure of it. Not that they're mutually exclusive, but again, why should everyone be allowed to be proud of who they are but me?

No one can answer these questions for you, but for myself, there could be only one answer.

I am proud to be a Dominant and I don’t care who knows it.