One movie I never quite get tired of seeing is "It's A Wonderful Life", a classic in which Jimmy Stewart is given the chance to see how the world would be a different place if he hadn't been born. The idea of potential alternate futures is something I play with often. As a fiction writer, 'what if' questions are second nature to me.

Naturally, "It's A Wonderful Life" compels me to go back and take a look at my own past and think about how things would change if I'd taken a different route. Not that you can ever know for sure, but it can be fun to speculate. Now what, you ask, has this to do with D/s?

My first sexual fantasies arrived when I was in sixth grade. I don't know what other people fantasized about, but for myself, it always had to do with a power exchange. Even all the way back then, my fantasies were of sexual combat, rather than just sex.

As it turns out, my earliest fantasies saw me losing control, rather than being in control. Women to me were a new and wonderful thing, and the primal desire of a boy first coming into his sexuality didn't leave me feeling very secure or empowered at all. Women were strange, other-world creatures, who seemed to hold all the cards. They were so out of my twelve-year old reach, I could do little but fantasize. I certainly didn't have the knowledge or power to Dom anyone. And while I did fantasize about one or two girls in class, once I hit seventh grade, the bulk of my fantasies had to do with my teachers--three of whom were just about the hottest teachers you could imagine. I think I spent the entire term with one long hard-on.

Not surprisingly, I couldn't have power fantasies over teachers who were taller, smarter and far more attractive than I. However, my fantasies at that time were fantasies of those teachers trying to Domme each other. My fascination with watching women get it on was born.

As early as I can remember, my power struggle fantasies were with me, but I was usually the one who lost. I'd have to give in to orgasm. I found myself fighting against my own need, trying desperately to get control, not of a woman, but myself.

By the time I was fifteen, and actually in relationships, I found myself assuming a more dominant role. I was firmly in charge of every relationship I'd entered. I also had a horrible temper, which I never really got the hang of controlling, as well as the unfortunate habit of placing myself into the knight in shining armour role. My protector status gave my anger and raging hormones an outlet other than just sex.

This state of affairs continued until I was about twenty, when I met a woman who would change my life forever. For the purpose of this article, we'll call her D. She was twenty-four, independent, very sexually aware and I'd never met anyone like her. She also had a lot more relationship experience than I and from the moment we met, had the upper hand. I didn't know anything about BDSM back then. I did know that I'd have done anything for this woman. It was the first and only time in my life I took a submissive role in a relationship.

To clear up matters, I don't consider myself a switch. I was young and inexperienced. The problem was, D didn't know anything about BDSM either, and so her domination of me was something neither one of us consciously realized or acknowledged. Despite the fact our relationship took place outside the boundaries of BDSM, it still had that feel to it. It was just the way things were.

For three months, I was on the worst emotional roller coaster of my life. D wasn't always a very nice woman. Since no one in her life had ever taken her seriously, D didn't understand how deeply she affected me and, as this was the first time in my life I hadn't been in the emotional driver's seat, I couldn't possibly have described it to her.

However, to give you some idea, imagine a new Domme and new sub, neither understanding what's happening to them. The Domme has no concept of responsibility, only power. In the test of that power, the Domme can be cruel, yet temper that with sexual attention. She can be hurtful without even realizing the effect she's having. She can cause pain with a word. The sub can't possibly know what's going on either. Having never really experienced submissive feelings before, confusion, anguish and depression can easily result. How can she be so cruel? Why can't I just walk away? Why do I feel so empty when she's not with me?

The nature of the events that brought about the highs and lows I experienced are not for you. They remain locked in my memory. In the end, when we finally separated (I was the one who finally called it off), I found myself scarred in ways I didn't know were possible, nor was I, at the time, able to articulate them.

The pain I suffered because of D placed me firmly on the road to Dom-dom. I would never, from that point on, let anyone get the upper hand on me. My future as a Dom was secured.

But what if D had treated me well, had understood what was happening, had encouraged my submission? Would I even be a Master if D had had more experience? Can I see myself, kneeling before my Mistress, eyes filled with love and hope, awaiting the next words from her full sensual lips? Can I say with certainty that, had things developed differently, I might not now be enjoying things like anal rape, golden showers or whippings?

Sobering questions. Ones I have to ask myself, for I can't hide from my past. I must confront it and make sense of it, or forever not know what might have been. However, it seems fairly clear to me that had things been different with D, I could have been a sub instead of a Dom--I at least have to consider the possibility. If only my guardian angel could show up and take me through the stages, letting me see what other life I might have enjoyed--or not as the case may be.

While I admit I have always been involved in D/s even in my earliest sexual fantasies, I find it much harder to say with certainty that my role as a Dominant wasn't really settled until I was twenty. I wonder if any Dom first starting out, learning about his own sexuality, really "feels" in control. How can you, when you can't even control yourself during puberty?

Have you looked closely at your own past, your own motivations, your own initiation into this lifestyle? Do you have the strength to completely examine your past as might a stranger, following the road of your development to where you are now?

I'm tempted draw an analogy to human conception. All embryos start life as females. At a certain point in embryonic development, two hormones (testosterone and progesterone) are introduced into the picture, and they change the gender of the embryo from female to male once a certain level is reached. In other words, the gender of a human being isn't determined until much further along in development than most people believe.

Could things have been different for you? Could you ever imagine being a submissive? Was there ever anyone who had the upper hand in a relationship? How did you react? How did it feel? More importantly, if you can't picture yourself in that role, how can you possibly be a good Dom? How can you get inside the head of a girl (or guy), if you haven't felt something of that yourself? I strongly believe that early experience gave me more of an understanding of subs than I would have had without it. I "know" to some degree, what they feel and go through and I'm certain it makes me a better Master.

Can the analogy between the development of an unborn child and the development of your own place within the world of BDSM shed any light on how you've become who you are?

For me, I know the answer. In every job I've ever held, I've worked my way quickly to the top. In every organization I've joined, I've pretty much become a key figure, almost without conscious effort on my part. There is no way my temperament would have let me be a submissive for long, no matter how D had treated me In every subsequent relationship, I've become more and more firm in my desire to conquer. It's not about being in control for me, it's about winning.

Yet, even from this fairly confident conclusion, my past experience has led to the belief that anyone "can" be dommed. In my opinion, there is someone out there who can bring even a strong Dom to his knees. He may never meet her, but because of my past, I can no longer deny the possibility exists.

I've seen how some submissives can be very dominant, taking over in many situations until their Dom deigns to speak. I've seen dana, my wife and slave, do this very thing at an art exhibition, where she was far more at home than I. I was bemused to see my girl taking charge, making decisions, getting things done, while I stood by the wayside and let her. It wasn't my show. I don't know anything about art. That's another lesson I learned long ago. You have to know where you can be Dominant, and where it would be better to sit down and shut up. I felt vaguely out of place, but managed to survive the two day art show setup. It gave me the opportunity to see a side of my slave I'd normally have taken no notice of.

Could it be that in other circumstances, she might have been a Mistress? She doesn't think so, but I point out from her past she's really been in charge of every relationship she's ever been in. I'm actually her first Master.

Yet she'd never really been happy, or felt at home, until now. She feels free in her servitude in a way being in charge has never made her feel. She finds fulfilment in her inability to resist me, even if she sometimes pretends she wants to. This works fine for me. I don't want an obedient slave, I want one with a bit of fight. What's the fun in making a weak person submit? Where's the challenge? These are my favorite kinds of battles.

There is no major conclusion to this article. These are all observations I've made, thoughts I've had, events I've experienced. The challenge is to look at the information presented and apply it to your own life and past. Are you strong enough to find your own inner sub?

Are you strong enough to admit it, publicly, in a magazine read by other Doms? More than anything else, the way I answered that question assures me that my future as a Dominant is not in danger. Its definitely a wonderful life.