There’s an undercurrent of thought that runs through the BDSM community, and I find it most disturbing. This idea would have us accept that replacing reality with fantasy and making decisions that have little basis in good sense and lots of harmful consequences is reasonable. I feel somewhat compelled to speak out. And I’m not referring to poor bondage practices or dangerous single tail technique. I’m referring to relationship dynamics that are ugly in the long run. Because we’re all human beings, because we all (in general) work the same way when it comes to relating to other people, when we analyze a BDSM relationship or a D/s dynamic we simply have to abide by standard norms for human behavior, no differently than if we were living in the so-called “vanilla world.”

I would go so far as to say that, while I really enjoy the activities that come from the lifestyle, there’s absolutely no need to invoke the lifestyle when dealing with relationship issues. If someone is abusive to a spouse, it doesn’t matter if it happens inside or outsidethe lifestyle. If a sub won’t hold up his/her portion of the burden for a healthy relationship, it doesn’t matter if that happens inside or outside the the lifestyle. And if there are communication issues, it doesn’t matter if this happens within or without the lifestyle. The only real reason for “lifestyle-friendly” counselors is so a couple can discuss lifestyle-specific issues without the counselor or the couple being dreadfully uncomfortable.

People forget that dominants and subs are people and their interaction should be based on normal rules. They think the power dynamic comes first and the relationship is secondary when in reality just the reverse has to be true for people to be happy. If a relationship goes bad and people can’t communicate, it’s time to either reevaluate the relationship and/or seek counseling. Being a dominant doesn’t communicate any special privileges when it comes to being polite and a good communicator, and being a sub doesn’t absolve anyone of responsibility for their own well-being.

I have heard submissives wonder if it’s acceptable to leave a relationship without their dominant’s permission, and it's always mystified me. One gets the feeling that some people are brainwashed ala Stockholm Syndrome or something. Just because there’s a D/s dynamic between individuals doesn’t mean that the burden for any element of a relationship should be borne unevenly. Being a dominant doesn’t mean being a babysitter or a parent, and being a sub doesn’t mean being a doormat or an abused child. It’s important to keep in mind that dominants can be used and abused by subs just as easily as the other way around.

But there’s more to it than that. It comes down to striking a sense of shared responsibility for the relationship. We often seem to think that because a lot of what we do involves fantasy, then living an entirely fantasy life is a viable option. In fact, it’s not. The same needs, the same motivators, all the same elements exist within a lifestyle relationship that exist in any relationship. The only real difference is in the activities enjoyed between lifestyle couples.

As to requests for release, I think they emanate from an escapists view of the world, from people who are submissives because they don’t have the confidence to live a life of their own, which is a dangerous situation to begin with. What would I say if asked for one? Aside from the fact that I would hope not to be in such a situation to begin with, I would say something like this: “You’re an adult. Don’t ask me if you can leave. If you’re going to leave, leave. If not, stay and we can talk, work through things, or maybe even decide to break up. But don’t ask if you can have a release, because it’s just plain silly.”

So, when do you know your relationship is in trouble? How do you know if you should end it? Please consider the following points:

1. Someone who asks for a release doesn't have a healthy sense of self. A healthy sense of self asks the question “Can we work together to fix these problems?” or simply says “this isn’t working for me and I feel that I must leave.” Someone who doesn't have a stable sense of who they are is, in no respect, a healthy person for you to be around much less "own", and is, in my opinion, likely to expect you to own other things on their behalf: responsibility for his/her actions, and responsibility for personal growth.
   
   
2. If things are so bad that you’re being asked for release, you obviously have either a larger problem than you thought or someone’s crying for attention. Your feelings don't mean much to a person who, much like any other abuser, wants you for what they can get from you and not because of you, or your relationship. See #1. Neither fork in this road is really hopeful because neither actually addresses the real issues, and since you’re only one half of a whole you cannot be expected (nor can you be effective) to be the sole responsible party for it’s health.
   
   
3. There are predatory submissives out there. They're like mining or logging operations -- they suck up resources until they've stripped the area bare. Unfortunately, while mining or logging companies know that when the resources are gone it's time to move on, these people never quite manage to reason that part out. They get angry, they cast blame, and they make accusations: It's your fault I'm unhappy. These people often find their way into the community, disguising themselves as submissives and sucking the life out of those dominant types who have “White Knight Syndrome”; caregivers who feel it’s their responsibility to “take care” of the poor little subbies. Someone who has no regard for a dominant’s emotional health, who can’t approach a relationship with a mature perspective and doesn’t understand the basics of communication – who isn’t your equal – isn’t going to be able to share a life with you.
   
   
4. People who think this is the way a submissive is "supposed" to act have a complete misunderstanding of how D/s works (see #1 and #3). They may think they're "being submissive" like they're "supposed to." They may think that it’s not their job to be strong, healthy, able people who can think critically and string a few words into a sentence that challenges you. They may think that challenging you would be a breach of their submissive role. They’re wrong. You could be dealing with someone who’s a so-called “vampire sub,” or you could be dealing with a wonderful but inexperienced person. Either way, you need to invest due diligence in sorting things out and leave if you need to, if for no other reason than to protect your own emotional health.
   
   
5. Whether you're submissive or dominant, you aren’t absolved of responsibility for your personal condition. YOU are responsible to manage your mental and emotional health as much as you are to go to the doctor when you have the flu and brush your teeth after every meal. AND, nobody ever took your free will away from you. If you choose to continue in an abusive relationship, as much as people WANT to help, nobody can. You simply must open your eyes, be strong, be stronger, be stronger yet, rant, rave, cry, scream, move in with friends, cry on shoulders, and whatever else it takes to get away.

These are issues that go to the basic question of "who am I?" and can't be ignored. Find your identity. Draw some lines in the sand. Establish who you are and don't hang with people who can't or won't meet you where you're at in life. And don’t, by any means, fall prey to what other people have defined as what “a REAL dominant would do.” If you’re a careful, intelligent, conscientious person, you’ll put in the right amount of work and should that fail, you’ll make the right decision. You're a real, whole person capable of having a happy life, and if you take responsibility (which means taking control even when it hurts), you'll find yourself a much more complete and enjoyable life.

But, that means figuring out who you are and what you want... knowing yourself first is the critical part. So my biggest advice, and the hardest to take, is DON'T get involved in a relationship until you've managed to define yourself and your identity FIRST. That's gotta be done by you. If you rely on someone else to do it, you'll never get what you want. Conversely, if you’re being relied upon by someone else, doing it for them, you’re damaging their chances at finding their own happiness.

There are those who think that there’s a time for a dominant to hold a submissive in a relationship for their own protection, because the dominant cares and loves the sub and wants to protect them against him or her self. I would counter that it is neither in the dominant's best interests NOR in the long-term best interests of the sub for the dominant to take permanent responsibility for the sub's mental and emotional health. At least under the preponderance of circumstances. I truly believe that, while a "picture" of health can exist where one member of a relationship is bearing the responsibilities for the health and well-being of the other member; it's only a picture, not a reality. And it will only last for so long before it crashes headlong into the ground and bursts into flames.

Subs by definition must be "of age." What this means, at least to me, is that they're expected to be responsible, sane adults capable of making informed, sensible decisions. That's why the stricture is there to begin with. Someone who would leave a stable relationship for an abuser isn't stable OR sane, and doesn't need a dominant -- they need a psychologist or a psychiatrist. They need to be personally aware of and personally dedicated to fixing their own problems. A dominant trying to "protect" a sub from self-destructive behaviors is veering close to codependency and probably, in the end is doing more harm than good to both parties.

Granted, allowing someone you care about to commit self-destructive acts is painful to the extreme. But just as when dealing with chemical dependency, YOU can't fix anything for them. Such an effort must come from within the person with the problem. You can confront the problem, discuss the issues, try to make them see... and if that succeeds, you've got a winning situation on your hands. But these things should dealt with in terms basic to any relationship, be it vanilla, D/s, M/s, boyfriend/girlfriend, "just friends," or any other way people relate. Using lifestyle terms like "D/s" introduces dynamics into the scenario that don't have a place when analyzing these aspects of human interaction.

I'm not suggesting that someone bail at the first sign of trouble. But in the end, if someone is going to make harmful decisions and blindly engage in a lifestyle of troubled indifference, there's nothing you can do to stop them but let them go, pray a lot (if that's your thing and to whichever god you deem most likely to help), and be there for them when they open their eyes.

In the end, we’re all just people. Lifestyle or vanilla, we’re affected by the same emotions, the same needs and wants, and the same mental and emotional needs and issues. As lifestylers, we’re more likely to run into someone, or even partner with someone, who has or has had serious emotional issues because the opportunity to abdicate personal responsibility for one’s actions or to control someone’s whole life is stronger here. But we can’t just let these things be. If we’re going to be a happy, healthy community we have to start with happy, healthy couples. And that will only happen when we give up on the notion that relationship issues in the lifestyle are different that relationship issues for the rest of the world.