Waxing About Brazil
by Headly Westerfield

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After a few days of sleuthing in the field, as we say in the investigative journalism trade, I finally shook loose a longer version of the report. Hidden in the small print near the bottom was the fact that they were also testing the sperm with marijuana, as well as coffee. Here's where it gets strange.

The very next day I accidentally asked the wrong question and uncovered a Vast Global Conspiracy that scares me more viscerally than any of Oliver Stone's various theories in his paranoid movie JFK.

Quite frankly, it scares me more because, oddly enough, it was a casual question about my employer. When the cover-up finally unravelled, I realized that even I was being manipulated by this New World Order. I discovered that my putative employer, BS Magazine, is IN REALITY jointly funded (pun intended, as you will see) by The Coffee Growers of Peru and the Federated Marijuana Growers of America. I was the perfect patsy because I've been known to consume both.

That's when I had to ask myself the Big Journalistic Question: Should I blow the whistle on this Vast Global Conspiracy, possibly putting my life at risk? Or, should this be weighed against a Bigger Moral Question: In a place where doctors make sperm drink coffee and smoke marijuana, how can The Populist Guard – and when I say The Populist Guard I always mean me –make a buck off of it?

As Grand Poobah for Life of TPG, that's my Prime Directive. Otherwise, what's the point of having embezzled the entire Populist Guard Membership Trust Fund? Naturally, I chose the latter option and seeking investment opportunities in Brazil became my whole reason for living.

I came very close to investing the cash in the first prospect that came along. In fact, the papers had been drawn up for me to purchase 75% of a rubber manufacturing concern producing for the domestic Brazilian market. However, after some very bad publicity it didn't seem like the right time to invest in that market. However, attitudes could be changing.

Next, I rejected the chance to invest in a Brazilian medical clinic, which is offering free penis enlargement surgery over the internet. I rejected the scheme as hair-brained because I don't believe the technology good enough where you can stick your cock into a floppy drive and have it come out a hard drive. Buh duh boom. I am not the only one who seems to have a problem with this clinic. While Google won't translate this web page for me, there is a distinct message being sent all the same and it's clearly about the same place.

However, after I realize I can't make a buck on it, I move on.

And yet….what doctors giveth, doctors can also take away. For a short while I was trying to leverage a profit from a dire silicone shortage in Brazil. If I could have found a way to corner the silicone market, I could have made a fortune. However, without any connections in Hollywood I couldn't get my hands any. Buh duh boom!

However, I was convinced there must be some way to make this pay. Suddenly I had a Master Stroke, pun intended once again. Realizing porn outsold both coffee and marijuana, I called up an old buddy who is now an editor over at Tits & Ass Intelligencer. I pitched him a dream story and that's how I wound up back in Rio reporting on Carnival.

I never knew I could have so much fun in a strange country, where I didn't speak the language, enticing those beautiful Brazilian women to come up to my first class hotel room and, using my digital camera, document how they are personally affected by the silicone shortage. That it was all on a Tit's & Ass expense account was just gravy.

I no sooner got off the plane, back in my home country, than I realized everything had changed in the few short months I had been away. First the state of Massachusetts does the only sensible thing and legalizes Gay Marriage. Then the Catholic mayor of my favourite American city, San Francisco blows some kind of moral gasket and, going against his own organized religion, starts marrying any two people who desire to be wed. What a concept!!!

Not to be outdone George 'Uniter, not a divider' Bush looks ahead to his place in history. Shrub decides he wants to be the first American President to enshrine discrimination in the Constitution of the United States of America, by amending it to deny marriage to same sex couples. If he cared so much about The Family why didn't we hear from him when Barbie & Ken were breaking up?

That relationship had long been over. It's common knowledge that Ken is in touch with his inner Barbie and has been seen on Church Street with GI Joe. Meanwhile, Barbie has long been into the BDSM scene and now that she's come out as a lesbian, it hardly comes as a shock she's shacking up with Midge.

What will Dubya do when Ken, GI Joe, Barbie and Midge start lining up for a marriage license? And, if you can change the Constitution to discriminate against who can marry, why can't you change the Constitution to discriminate against gun ownership?

But there was even more madness to discover on my return. On every channel Mel Gibson is being touted as the saviour of an arguable book of fiction almost 2-thousand years old. What's even crazier is that God is now eligible for an Academy Award for Best New Screenwriter. The current betting is not on whether He will win, but on whom He will send in His place to pick up the Oscar. The smart money is on Sacheen Littlefeather.

But none of that comes close to the absolute, sheer irony in this topsy turvey world, which is this: The Passion of the Christ graphically depicts a flogging so brutal that even the most masochistic among us would call RED within milliseconds. And yet, we still cannot legally purchase any good graphic BDSM videos.

Meanwhile, our old buddy Jesus, in one of the most bizarre twists of the new millennium, is suddenly more popular than John Lennon. Mark David Chapman must be spinning in his grave.

The craziness doesn't stop there.

You would think that the S&M crowd would stick up for Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction. However, that's simply not the case. While Americans continue to decry the Superbowl Halftime Show, no one seems offended that people behind closed doors are being busted for being free. No one protests how bondage has infiltrated Reality Television. And there's been nary a word about an female orgasm machine that is thousands of dollars cheaper than the Sybian. I ask you this simple question: Where are our priorities?

All of this has caused me to make a life-altering decision. Realizing I have already blown the whistle on the Worldwide Global Conspiracy, I need to find my own Saddam Hidey Hole TM. I called my buddy at Tits & Ass and you are now reading an article by his new Brazilian Bureau Chief. I'm moving The Populist Guard's Head Office to Sao Paulo where I have invested the plundered funds in the The Victor and Victoria shopping mall.

Fan mail from some flounder.

I've been promising to answer some of my vast correspondence for a while now. Recently on a southern Ontario Mailing List I received the sweetest compliment:

[sic] He is a contributor to the e-magazine Dominants View if you can call it a contribution it was one long article on himself by himself about himself now that was worth reading NOT!!!! The rest is actually educational and well worth the read. [end sic]

Headly replies:

Because I learned a long time ago that it never pays to correct someone's grammar, I have but a single thing to say in response: You are absolutely right and the sooner you realize it IS all about me, the sooner you can lower your blood pressure. Thanks for reading the column.