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I feel very compelled this
issue to talk about BDSM and Abuse. I am not going to go on and
on for submissives about what they can do if they are in an abusive
situation, there are a ton of sites that are out there for that
(if you DO need these resources please feel free to email me and
I will be more than happy to provide a list for you), but more
so, I am gearing this to the dominants that may be practicing
abusive behaviors and not even know it. I suppose that this article
is going at it from an entirely different angle than most do.
Good. Hopefully it will be an eye opener for a few people out
there.
First I need to define what abuse is within the eyes of our community.
The NLA has a nice quote:
"Abuse is a pattern of coercive behaviors used with the intent
to intimidate, isolate, dominate and maintain power and control
over another without consent.
BDSM relationships are based on personal responsibility, honestly
and integrity, and in which power and pleasure derive from mutual
respect."
- NLA (National Leather Association) National Conference - Oct,
1991
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time.
It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of
dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his
consent.
Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in
any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.
One problem is that there are so many different kinks and
levels of play in BDSM that coming up with "when is it abuse"
is, at times, a very difficult line to identify. You can focus
on physical damage and miss emotional abuse.
Now to the nitty gritty, shall we?
Situation 1: You have had a really shitty ass day and you
get home and your submissive has been in front of the computer
all day long and the house is still as trashed as it was when
you left this morning. You go off. You yell and lecture and make
sure that your sub KNOWS this is not excusable. She has nothing
but bull shit excuses every time you stop long enough to take
a breath and that is pissing you off too. You are now to the point
where you just want to push her into a closet, lock the door and
demand she just shut up for 5 minutes to let you get over it.
This is not an over the top situation, I am not expressing something
that is totally excessive.
Where was the wrong in
this?
Hint one: It all began because you were in a crappy ass mood when
you got home. You reacted from anger. You reacted from your own
personal issues, and it had NOTHING to do with a scene or a lesson.
But sure, you can tell yourself that if she had cleaned the damned
place none of that would have happened. Or if she hadn't tried
to rebut you with stupid excuses it would not have happened. Or
you can use that "maybe next time she'll have cleaned the place
up a little" excuse to be sure that you don't feel guilty at all.
Situation 2: He has been your boy for 6 months now, he KNOWS
how to make your coffee, but this morning it was far from how
you like it. When you went to get dressed, you noticed that all
of your whites were now shades of pink, and you realize that he
has done this on purpose! You get to work and look into your lunch
and it's a sandwich made of that meat that you told him last week
that you really hated the flavor of. You decide that's it! You're
done! You come home and decide you are going to teach him a lesson.
You give him the cold shoulder, you tell him to get ready, you
are going to a play party tonight. You see the happiness in his
eyes and just laugh. He doesn't know what's about to hit him,
does he?
You both get there and you are overly cruel to him. You push and
test him to the very limits. You order him to lick shine a domme's
boots for her, and you KNOW that he has issues with that, but
he is the one that has been fucking up your chi on purpose. Now
it's his turn, right? He looks at you, scared. You order him anyway
and tell him that if he doesn't he best not even bother to come
home with you tonight because he would NOT be able to handle your
reaction to his refusing this order in public, in front of others.
Lesson learned? No. He did however learn this: that you will not
listen to his limits, or that his boundaries are movable how and
when you want to move them, and he has nothing to say about it
and that he can't trust you because you knowingly forced him to
do something you knew he has issues with. But of course, he KNEW
about the things he did to you, right? All is fair in love and
war, right?
No. It is not. Lets not pay attention that Situation 1 explained
that she really hurt her ankle the other day and it's still swollen
and she really thinks she needs to go to the hospital for it.
Lets ignore in Situation 2 that he is trying to get your attention.
There is something wrong and he is afraid to address it with you
for one reason or another and so he is acting out instead.
This is not BDSM, this is abuse. Don't try and justify it all
away. The first step in making it better is admitting there is
a problem, right?
If your "correction" is coming from a place other than love, respect,
and teaching, it's not cool. If it is cruel and just plain destructive
and mean, it's not cool. If your submissive feels as though they
are merely your servant, with little to no appreciation, it's
not cool.
Every large city has a local Anger Management place. In the state
of Washington it is the law that anyone who has an assault charge
is court ordered to attend a Perpetrator's Treatment Program.
The company that provides it will also have an Anger Management
class available too. In these classes you are not pointed at and
yelled at and made to feel like you are a horrible creature. These
classes are designed to help you first figure out what pisses
you off, and then to help you with alternate ways to vent and
or express your anger with them. To help identify your triggers,
and then how to diffuse them before it becomes a legal issue,
or before you loose someone very important within your world/life.
EVERYONE has times where they overreact; everyone has times where
they know they were in the wrong. The whole point here is that
you did not teat the other person like they a fellow human being.
You punished while you were in the heat of anger and or with cruel
hurtful intentions. These things are not healthy parts of a BDSM
relationship. They never have been and they never will be. These
things are symptoms of an unhealthy relationship.
In reality we could ALL benefit from attending anger management
classes, they really do help. They also teach you how to not sweat
the small stuff. Think of it this way, in 20 years will what just
pissed you off in the here and now mean a DAMNED thing?
Here are signs of a batterer's
personality, take a look through and see if you fit into any of
these (all of the below examples are described from a dominant
Male/submissive female perspective as 60% or more of BDSM relationships
are within that dynamic. Please do not take this offensively,
I am merely catering to the largest common denominator - remember
this is coming from a dominant female so it doesn't perfectly
fit within my *own* preferences either):
1. JEALOUSY At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser
will always say that his jealousy is a sign of his love, have
you ever said that? Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it is
a sign of insecurity.
- Do you question the submissive
about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting?
- Do you accuse her of
trying to attract other men by her walk? Her choice of clothing?
Her way of talking? Her style of make-up? Her actions?
- If she is permitted to
keep her job, do you accuse her of having affairs with men at
work? If she has no job, do you accuse her of having affairs
with strange men or men she knows casually while he is away
at work?
2. QUICK INVOLVEMENT
Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six
months before they were engaged or living together. He comes on
like a whirlwind claiming love at first sight and he will tell the
woman flattering things like, "you are the only person I could ever
really *talk* to," "I've never felt loved like this before." Or
He may put out that he needs her desperately, and will pressure
the submissive to commit to him.
3. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS He expects her to be the perfect
submissive, wife, mother, lover, and friend. She is supposed to
take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.
- Do you see her trying
to be perfect for you? To keep a perfect home or to raise perfect
children, for fear of reprimand?
- To keep the children
silent at home when you are is there? To keep the children out
of your way?
- Is she willing to do
anything to avoid a verbal or physical confrontation with you?
- Does she have to lie
to you in order to protect herself or her children from severe
punishment for minor infractions of your rules?
- Does she feel that she
is always fighting desperately to save the relationship?
4. ISOLATION He tries
to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has male friends,
she is a whore; if she has female friends she is a lesbian; if she
is close to family she is tied to the apron strings. He may even
accuse people who are her supports of causing trouble.
- Do you become unhappy, moody, or disagreeable when she spends
time alone with her friends or family or do you forbid it entirely?
- Do you refuse to let her associate with her old friends, business
colleagues, or co-workers, or to have friends outside your relationship?
5. BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS FEELINGS He will tell the submissive
"you are hurting me by not doing what I ask," or "I can't help being
angry". He may even say things that are hard to catch but along
those same lines, such as claims that she makes him happy or controls
how he feels/reacts.
6. HYPERSENSITIVITY He may be easily insulted. He claims
his feelings are hurt, or he takes the slightest set back as personal
attacks. He will rant and rave about the injustice of things that
have happened to him.
- Are you unable to discuss your emotions openly, other than
your anger?
- How do you deal with stress? Are you calm and reasonable
or given to outbursts of erratic behavior such screaming, throwing
things, breaking windows, kicking doors?
7. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN He may expect children
to be capable to doing things far beyond their ability (yells at
a 2 year old for wetting the bed) or he may tease children or younger
brothers/sisters until they cry. (50% - 70% of men who abuse their
partners also abuse their children.) He may not want children to
eat at the table or expects them to stay in their room all evening
when he is at home. He may punish animals physically and is insensitive
to their pain and/or suffering.
8. VERBAL ABUSE In addition to saying things that are meant
to be cruel and hurtful, run down her accomplishments. The man will
tell her she is stupid and unable to function without him. This
may involve waking her up to verbally abuse her, or not letter her
go to sleep.
- Are you constantly critical of her? Do you belittle everything
she says and does?
- Do you make jokes at her expense in the presence of others?
- Do you make her feel that she is not competent enough to
get along in the world without his help and direction?
9. THREAT OF VIOLENCE This would include any threat of physical
force meant to control the woman with fear and/or intimidation outside
anything scene related. "I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll kill you."
"I'll break your neck." Most men do not threaten their mates, but
a batterer will try to excuse his behavior by saying everybody talks
like that.
- Do you threaten to harm her, her children, her parents, or
other family members if she does not do what you want? If she
tries to leave you? If she tells anyone about the violence against
her? If she seeks medical treatment for the wounds you have
inflicted on her from anger?
- Have you ever said you will or should kill her?
10. BREAKING OR STRIKING OF OBJECTS This behavior is used
as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used
to terrorize the submissive. The man may beat on tables with his
fist or throw objects around or near the her.
11. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT This may involve a Him holding
her down or against the wall, physically restraining her from leaving
the room, any pushing or shoving. He may hold her against something
and say, "You're going to listen to me!"
Have you ever shoved her? Knocked her down? Slapped her? Kicked
her? (Outside of pre-negotiated or previously agreed upon and
planned "play".)
- Bitten her? Blackened her eye? Caused bruises? Raised welts?
(Outside of pre-negotiated or previously agreed upon and planned
"play".)
- Pushed her down the stairs? Attempted to strangle her or
suffocate her?
- Is she afraid to leave? Is she afraid to stay?
If these sound like things that you have done or said in the past,
or still do, please take a good long time to examine the differences
between working, long lasting relationships and the shorter lived
ones. If you feel, or if she has suggested in the past, that you
go to anger management classes or something along those lines
- perhaps it is an option that you may wish to explore further.
There is nothing wrong with getting the proper tools needed to
have a happy and healthy relationship. There *are* therapists
and agencies that are leather and kink friendly. If all else fails,
email me, I might be able to help track down some resources for
you.
Remember these simple things:
BDSM: Play is consensual.
Abuse: is NOT consensual.
BDSM: Play can be stopped at anytime by either partner.
Abuse: Cannot be stopped by the victim.
BDSM: A BDSM scene is a controlled situation.
Abuse: Abuse is an out-of-control situation.
BDSM: After a scene the people involved feel good.
Abuse: After an episode of abuse the people involved feel bad.
BDSM: BDSM creates a bond of trust.
Abuse: Abuse destroys trust.
Here ends the lesson. Feel free to copy or forward this to anyone
that you feel may be within an abusive situation. I only ask that
proper credit be given, I work hard on my stuff, please do not
steel it. I share good, honest! I have a printable pamphlet on
Abuse vs. BDSM at www.dvinformation.org
Thank you,
Narayanna
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