It's been a busy couple of months for The Populist Guard It's not easy to plan a First Annual Convention in total secrecy and get the word out to the thousands of delegates all around the world. Suffice to say: The Populist Guard was able to contact all card-carrying members and only a small handful sent their regrets.

The purpose of the meeting was threefold:
     1. To elect an Executive for The Populist Guard;
     2. To consider the TPG agenda for the forthcoming year;
     3. Agree on a Constitution for TPG

I am happy to report that by a majority of votes I was elected "Grand Poobah For Life (Or Until Those Bastards Decide To Get Rid Of Him)" of The Populist Guard. While it helped that I ran unopposed, it was still a very clear mandate, (and I'd like to know who cast those three ballots against me) which brings me great honour and humility.

Moreover, such a great mandate means I can do pretty much what I want, whenever I want. A great wind of change is blowing through. A new broom sweeps clean. The more things change, the more things stay the same. Meet the new Boss, same as the old Boss.

It's not just within the Populist Front where change for the better is taking place. Out in California Total Recall is not just a movie. Voters recently turfed Governor Gray Davis (a man accurately named, it seems) to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. I didn't believe it either for a few days, but apparently it's true. It was on CNN.

Some delegates at The Populist Guard Convention - especially those on the left - bemoaned the elevation of this self-proclaimed conservative. I took the opposite view and see this as a good sign for people in the lifestyle. Clearly, Arnie is a Dominant. Moreover, he's a sex maniac (which is not necessarily a bad thing). To be convinced one only need read his comments in OUI Magazine , unearthed during the campaign, where he talks about the sex orgies and threesomes he's taken part in. Sadly, it would also appear that Mr. Freeze (and if that ain't his secret Internet nick I'll eat my Last Action Hero ) is also one of those Dominants who doesn't necessarily believe in the C in the old chestnut SSC. Dozens of women came out of the woodwork to report they had been groped by Kindergarten Cop over the years.

After much discussion and heated debate, TPG voted to spend its own money and enroll Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Beginners' Workshop , where he will pick up some tips on Protocol and Consensuality, or be flogged for his failure.

The next order of business was to discuss the whether it had been a good, or bad, idea to hold The Populist Guard Convention in an undisclosed location. Originally, during the secret planning for the convention, it was decided that it might be best to fly under the radar. With thousands of kinky delegates arriving in one place, TPG didn't want word getting out prior to the meeting getting underway.

The reason? Lifestyle issues have recently been in the papers in America. Black Rose was run out of Ocean City and Fetish in the Fall was similarly denied Freedom of Assembly in Kenner, La., just outside of New Orleans.

Yet, most people only hear about the high profile cases, such as those, but this is happening on even the smallest level. Recently, The Arena swingers club, in Gilroy California, chose to fold its futons, when the media outcry became too great to bear. This came with nary a dissenting voice. Just down the road, The Forum Club packed up all the lube and condoms and split for parts unknown.

The story is the same elsewhere, from The Green Door in Las Vegas (AKA Sin City ) to Club Escapades in Owensville, Indiana.

That's why it was decided, originally, to be very hush-hush about The Populist Guard Convention. However, delegates to the Convention had placed this very topic on the agenda and, after 4 hours of debate, three motions were proposed and passed:
     1). The Populist Guard will never meet in secret again;
     2). To reveal the location of the First Convention as Washington, D.C.;
     3). To continue to hold TPG conventions in Washington, D.C.

Why meet in the American capital and why announce that fact? One delegates stated it most succinctly when she stood up to call America "Land of the Free and the Home of the Hypocrite." Without a single dissenting vote, it was decided to hold the annual convention in Washington, D.C. until such time as the climate changes and kinksters in the United Snakes can exercise their right to assembly anywhere they damn well choose.

During off-times at the three-day convention, I had the opportunity to walk around the city and I concluded that Washington, District of Columbia, is a schizophrenic place. While politicians twist themselves into knots over what happened in the Oval Office between former-President William Jefferson Clinton, Monica Lewinski and a cigar, there's really no end to the kinky things going on in The Nation's Capital.

As in any big city, in Washington one can easily find an escort, escorts offering a BDSM bent , or Strip Clubs, for that matter. That's only the beginning. Pro-Dommes seem to do a pretty good business in D.C.

Of course, those are only the commercial enterprises. However, Dee Cee is also home to many kinky lifestyle organizations, including MAsT, or Masters and slaves Together ; DCBiWomen ; Bisexual Insurgence ; DC Pride ; DC S/M Activists (DCSMA) ; Spartan MC motorcycle club ; and a whole raft of Fetish Clubs including The Crucible and Bound .

And, of course, what city can truly call itself a city without its own Swingers Club

There's so much going on there, in fact, that it might be worth moving to Washington, if it weren't for the stench of rotting politicians. It could be that Washington, D.C. is such a source of evil because of the existence of secret pentagrams that transect the city. Who knows? All I know is that this backlash against kink is in such opposition to reality, since the USofA has tied with Australia as the world's gayest country.

Once again, I've strayed from the topic, which was, of course, The Populist Guard's First Annual Convention. Another vote was held and delegates unanimously decided on a series of public presentations for next year's convention. These will take place on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Among those things being demonstrated in close proximity to The Great Emancipator will be The Sybian and The Fucking Machine . There will also be bullwhip demonstrations and a tattoo booth, where one can get the words "The Populist Guard - Now & Forever" tattooed on their bicep for free. TPG needs volunteers who are willing to do this, so please send your interest to NYCU, the address of which is at the bottom of this column.

After these monumental - pun intended - decisions, TPG took up some of those smaller issues vexing people in the lifestyle. It was decided to hold a workshop on The Care and Feeding of the Penis after word of some very disturbing stories in the news as of late. A 30-year old man man in Saudi Arabia took matters into his own hands after being jilted, while a transgendered woman in Pittsburgh hired what she thought was a doctor to do it for her. However, these stories pale in comparison to the Russian man who wants to sell a piece of history.

Also discussed were the inherent dangers of Internet dating , whether an oversight committee is needed for workshops, why one should keep one's scenes private , and why dreams can be overanalyzed.

One Dominatrix at the Convention stood up to alert others about a new employment opportunity in Australia , but this was tabled until the next meeting.

One of the last items on TPG agenda was to decide whether the group would have an official sponsor. Sponsorship is one of those things that can offset the high costs of holding a convention. However, sponsorship can be a tricky thing. TPG is sensitive to accusations of "selling out," so it was determined that TPG would only accept a sponsorship concerning a product that we all use, and one that believes in Truth In Advertising. TPG is proud to join with its new corporate partner , and hope you will all take advantage of this product. It will only help us at next year's convention, when it appears we will need the bail money.

On a final note, in a stunning reversal of Truth in Advertising: General Motors in Canada is renaming its latest production model called LaCrosse. No matter what new name GM settles on, TPG feels the original name came much closer to describing the vehicle.

That's all from the Secret Headquarters of TPG for now. In our next exciting episode, NYCU will examine recently declassified documents which purport to show George W. Bush in a compromising position with an artic lake trout.

Long live The Populist Guard.