Recently I had a very interesting talk with a few friends of mine. It innocently began with amusing chitchat to pass the time and the subject twisted somehow to BDSM. Keep in mind that this little group of people are the only vanilla friends that I have (a very small group indeed).

Of course it began innocently enough with a male friend being playfully bratty, and my inevitable reply that included an idol threat of spanking him should his demeanor not change.

See that is where I wronged, and do each time. I just can't keep my mouth shut

So we got into the BDSM conversation and my roles within the scene. Everyone was very interested, of course not one of them was very surprised at all that I am dominant. It was a nice educational evening where I got to play teacher and my friends played the eager little students.

At one point during the conversation the same smart ass asked if I could some day "beat on him". I not only set him straight on the whole "beating" comment, but I also had to go into a portion of my preferences that I do not usually ever go into with vanilla friends - and this is where the conversation got very personal. WOW did the questions come out of the woodwork then. Through the barrage of inquiries, I actually learned something about myself. I wasn't really prepared for self-examination, however I always am thankful for the learning experience when it does arrive.

I looked at this male and replied to him with, "Oh, honey.. you would not in a million years want me to be the one to introduce you to the lifestyle. Neither your heart, mind, body, or soul could handle it. I am VERY hard on males and treat them VERY differently than I do females. Though I would be more than happy to hook you up with a friend of mine if you honestly want to explore things."

…And the floodgates opened.

I was asked a great many things, and this is what I was able to learn:

I never really understood why I am so very different with females than I am with males, but it is two completely separate worlds for me. With males I am very hard-core, more physical, and at times cruel. I demand and I allow very little fight or struggle. Either they are at my feet because they cannot imagine another place they would rather be, or they are not. Either they know what they are doing, or you they learn fast and hard. The biggest difference though is that you they have to have a high pain threshold, very much enjoy working their ass off, and not push or question too much. Also I realized that there is a bit of humiliation involved should they not do something to the specific expectation of mine at the time.

With males I am very strict and to the line.

With females I like to dive inside their minds. I like to hold their heads within the palm of my hands and stroke their brain cells until I know exactly what drives them. Until I know everything - and mold my creation from there. She is taught all things beautiful. She is taught to be graceful, and playful, yet always respectful. I take great pleasure in teaching her everything that I know about BDSM. I get off mentally watching her explore new interests and sensations. It makes me high to see her cross a new hurdle that she never dreamed of before, or was afraid of in the past but is able to cross while holding my hand. I enjoy watching her learn to fly while bound in my chains.

With females I am more of a teacher and artist.

I think the largest difference between my time with males and females (outside of what was already explained) is sexual.

I will not allow a male submissive to be sexual with me. I do allow him sexual releases, but they are things that he will offer to me. They are given, done, and enjoyed with the sole purpose of showing my control of him. If he is a good boy, and shows incredible promise, I may take the time to treat him as I would a female submissive, but generally I don't bother.

I fall in love with my girls though, and I treat them as any dominant would that is in love. Almost all intense play that we enjoy together ends with sexual release, passionate kisses, and lots of snuggles. Boys are merely my property. Rarely do I invest my heart, though I demand that they give me theirs. "Heart, mind, body, and soul, to do with as I please, in any and all things. Property until I choose or allow differently."

Most of the time I will only ever enjoy close friendships with males, though it is the opposite with females. If I take time with a girl, it is because I see something inside of her that I wish to explore further. Rarely do I forge lasting friendships with a female that does not include some portion of BDSM and sexual enjoyments mingled within said friendships.

Is there a root to this? Of course there is. I realized that it all boils down to what I do for a living. I work within the Domestic Violence field of social services. I work on both ends of it though. With the perpetrators (abusers), teaching them anger management and helping them mold a different belief system. I'm also a counselor at the shelter for abused women and children who are running for their lives from the abuser.

I don't, for even one little moment, lump all males into the "bad guy" grouping. Most of my friends, honest to God FRIENDS that I would give my all for, are males. I am also married to an incredible guy (who is a switch - though only subs to me) that I can only pray will be my partner in all things for the rest of our lives.

I think most men feel dominant with women, even if they do not recognize it. They wallow in the hormonal male ego that I so enjoy taming, caging, and keep under my own lock and key. While most women feel a certain level of vulnerability that they desperately try to hide, afraid that others will recognize it and take cruel advantage of it. I pride myself on proving just how beautiful that vulnerability can be when with someone that they can truly trust.

I control, dominate, and rule over male submissives. They are bottoms with me, rarely ever true submissives within my world. Only the very few and far between spark something inside of me that allows me to view them as a true submissive and not a bottom. I get high on the physical play rather than the mental. I moan as I feel his flesh beneath my nails and smile wickedly at the lines that I leave behind. I am rough and take what I want, how and where I choose to have it. Should he show question behind his eyes, I will slap him back to the reality of things or tell him to not even bother to waist my time with him.

I nurture, teach, love and care for female submissives. I do all that I can to show them that there is no better place in the world to be than at my side, in service to me, for it is there that they are loved, accepted, and cherished for who they are. I grab hold of her hand and hold on tightly as she explores the many facets of BDSM, both the emotional issues that she will struggle with and the physical ones. I show her how to truly LIVE instead of confining herself into some small, labeled little box that she may be too ashamed to display for all to see. I show her how liberated and free she can finally feel in her life while wearing my collar. Of course I still take what I want, here, how, and when I please. I still enjoy the coloring of her flesh as I manipulate it as desired, mark it, or strike it.

I love humanity. We are a beautiful experiment. Male or female, black, white, red, or purple with yellow splotches, Jewish, Christian, Wiccan, or Atheist. Everyone has a different way of doing things. I do not hate, dislike, nor feel that males are lesser than I am in any way, I simply have a very different way of being dominant with each sex. Though I must admit there are times where the occasional male or female may cross that line and pull from inside me reactions that are typically the opposite of the norm.

Someday ask yourself if you act or treat a specific sex in one way while the opposite sex, another way. Then ask yourself why. You may find answers that surprise even you. Who knows - you might end up being very sexist and have never realized it before. If there are distinct differences, take the time to inspect those reasons why, though. To assure yourself it is not for the wrong reasons - for some crutch or hang up you have, or for some old would that you have never allowed to heal. Plus the self-journey is normally the most fun of them all!