To start with, I am going to tackle some thoughts on the various components of BDSM. I won't talk much about the acronym, but do want to discuss what they are and how they relate to each other. This may seem like beginner stuff, but you'd be surprised at how many long time scene players don't really understand how it all fits together - this can and does lead to some skewed expectations.

The acronym, of course, stands for "Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism", describing common activities associated with BDSM. Many people toss "D/S", for "Domination/Submission" in there as well, and it works as a nice "catchall" term which then covers the three most common areas of interest - "BD/DS/SM".

I have noticed, however, that rather than see the three areas of interest as equal and optional activities (ie: I may or may not use bondage in our scene/I may or may not dominate you in this scene), people generally tend to see D/S as a power dynamic instead - in fact, they usually see it as "the" dynamic which colors all interactions/activities they participate in, including the others in the acronym.

What this means is that many doms - both new and experienced alike - operate under the assumption that "bondage", "discipline" or "sado-masochism" are really all just forms of "domination/submission". While this may be how it feels in their own universe, this is rather narrow and just isn't accurate for everyone.

There are other, totally equal interactions which may apply - "top/bottom" and "sadist/masochist" are the two other most common ones. Like D/S, these are generally considered to be "power exchanges". I prefer to call them "relationship contexts" since they are most commonly used to describe people in relation to one another, as in, "we are a dominant/submissive (or top/bottom or sadist/masochist) to each other".

While clumping all power exchanges under a general D/S heading may be convenient, it is potentially misleading, as each one is a bit different in motivation and focus - D/S is about control, T/B is more sensation oriented, and S/M exchanges are more pain oriented. These are pretty important distinctions to know in terms of what you expect from a scene and what you expect from your bottom when it comes to playing.

Perhaps the simplest way to see how this works is to look at the activities (bondage, discipline, sado-masochism) as "tools" used to explore, express, enhance or play with any dynamic. In doing so, it becomes clear to see that how an activity affects the players depends more on the motivation and relationship context rather than on the activity itself.

This is easily demonstrated by taking one BDSM component - let's say "discipline" - and applying it to different relationship contexts: "I am a dominant who uses discipline to maintain control of a submissive" or "I am a sadist who uses discipline to inflict pain on a masochist." or "I am a top who uses discipline as a reason to give sensual spankings to a bottom."

Most doms adapt to each circumstance and switch between the "roles" of "dominant", "top", and "sadist" where appropriate. To their own partner, they might be Lord Master Domi-God Evil Sadistic Top all blended into one. To an apprehensive newbie they might simply be a helpful top, demonstrating how this or that toy might feel. To the local pain slut, they become the most wicked sadist ever to wield a whip.

Because there is so much room for "mix and match" dynamics, motivations, and activities, it is often difficult to know what is happening in any given scene. For example, many doms will use "sensation play" on the bottom: Are they topping or dominating? Well, if the aim is to control, they are dominating. If the aim is to apply a variety of sensation for some other reason - such as arousal or an endorphin high - they are topping.

If inflicting pain is motivated by arousal or pleasure, they are in "sadist" mode. If it is motivated by a desire to exert or maintain control of the bottom, it's domination. It may be hard to tell what's floating your own boat sometimes - if you are using SM to dominate, do you know if it was the delightful squeals of pain which aroused you? Or was it how obediently the bottom submitted to your "tenderness" that did?

If you answered, "both", you can see how the lines between "domination", "sadism" and "topping" can blend so seamlessly that it is hard to tell where one leaves off and another begins. Add to that the fact that relationship dynamics can be so fluid that the motivation or focus - control, pleasure or pain - may change even from scene to scene with the same person.

This is why even long time players have such a hard time separating topping from dominating - in their own relationships, its all the same to them much of the time. And if you are in an established relationship as "the dominant", playing with the other dynamics as the mood strikes, I don't know that it's important to make any distinctions at all. If it works for both parties, that's really all that matters.

Where it is important to make these distinctions is when you are single and looking, getting to know someone, getting established in your community, or playing with people you don't have a serious relationship with. Let's say you are D/S focused and you are interested in someone who is known to love spankings. To you, spankings are obviously D/S, so you set up a scene with this person in order to "test the water".

Meanwhile, the other person sees spankings as a wonderful endorphin rush, and loves the "sting" of palm on bare ass - D/S has nothing whatsoever to do with it. To this person, agreeing to a spanking means just that - they are agreeing to let you top them for a spanking. Clearly, if you are expecting D/S, and the bottom is seeing it as a T/B activity, your expectations and motivations are not the same.

The problem here is that if the bottom doesn't relinquish any control, or appears to be a "do-me" submissive, it might be easy to draw the wrong conclusions and assume they are not a "good submissive". This is not necessarily so - submissives can and do move between the roles of "bottom", "submissive" and "masochist" (even "top" or "sadist"!) according to relationship and circumstance, just as dominants do in theirs.

The same person who is a frisky, smartass non-sexual "do-me" bottom for you may be devotedly submissive to someone else. A submissive's ability to bottom when appropriate is not a reflection of the "purity" of her "submission" any more than a dominants ability to be a "helpful top" to the new sub is a reflection on the "purity" of his dominance. Topping or bottoming are not "less than" D/S, they are just "different than".

While clear communication on what each player expects from any scene would seem to be the answer, it has been my experience that many dominants still don't "get it" even when you spell it out for them in clear and concise terms. They usually buy into the "topping is less than" theory, and will conclude that you are a "bad submissive" rather than admit that they might top instead of dominate now and then.

One of the hardest things for some doms to bend their minds around is realizing that they can indeed spank someone or tie them up and not dominate them for even one minute. For male doms particularly, I think this is because when they try to imagine how they would react to what they inflict, it goes so against their grain that to them it simply cannot be anything but submission.

What they fail to realize is that female submissives in particular often make a distinction between physical and mental submission, and to many the difference between submitting the body for something (like bondage....or a tooth extraction) and submitting one's will to another is like night and day. Whether they are bottoming or submitting usually depends more on the mental dynamic than the physical circumstance.

Bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism are not always forms of D/S. They work just as well as forms of T/B or S/M, or any combination of the above. The way that these things - along with sensation play, edge play, humiliation, sex and other activities - are linked together varies from person to person and relationship to relationship.

If you are thinking of playing with someone, find out how these things relate to that person. Find out if being flogged is a strong sensation they enjoy - like a massage - or if it has a deeper meaning for them. Find out why they like to be tied up - do restraints make them feel powerless? Is it because some bondage positions can be painful and they like pain? Is it because they like the look or feel of ropes and cuffs?

Know your own motivations, and know theirs. This is important information, because it helps to keep expectations in line with reality. Realize that in the wide world of kink, D/S is only one small part - people can be motivated to any activity for reasons besides D/S, and these reasons are just as fulfilling and just as valid for them as D/S is for others. And then go have some fun.