Newbies. For those who have been in the community for a while, the word conjures feelings of cautious acceptance, watchfulness, and patience. As much as I hate to admit it, I probably qualify for newbie status - at least in certain aspects pertaining to public play and community involvement. Newbies can give life to the community, bringing in new ideas and "fresh blood", if you will. Unfortunately, sometimes the decision to move kink from the bedroom into the public arena is made without proper guidance and the very newness that makes newbies refreshing can also give rise to a whole litany of lifestyle-oriented social faux pas.

I'm familiar with kink, I know my way around D/s, and SM has been an interest since I was very young. I told my mother's sister when I was six years old that some day I wanted a slave. When I was four I used to beat my empty snowsuits and then cuddle them. For the five years that my marriage lasted, I experienced the kinkiest vanilla sex life I've heard of to date. D/s was always lurking in the shadows of our sex life, and on a very rare occasion I even went so far as to spank her ass during sex - it is simply that integrated into who I am. As my marriage began to crumble, I began to embrace my kink and found the local BDSM community. It was getting acclimated to the cultural codes of lifestyle get-togethers that has taken some guts and some practice.

As I moved into the public eye through a combination of online lists and groups, munches, and play parties, I began to realize how well I fit in for once! I had discovered a group of likeminded people for whom my views on dominance, submission, respect, trust, relationships, tolerance, and consensual torture - among other things - weren't strange or really even new. A group where I could be accepted, liked, and even respected - where I wasn't a freak for thinking what I think and liking what I like.

I had found a home.

My first public experience was a private party hosted by one of the members of a local group. The barbeque grill was fired up and everyone was reveling in the early summer weather, especially the lack of mosquitoes, which where I come from can carry an entire team of pony boys and girls off for dinner. Since this party was in a rural area and the house was surrounded by trees, several of the attendees were thrilled with the rare opportunity to have a chance to play outside. As dinner ended and play commenced, several of the submissives were tied to trees as their playmates took turns with various implements of delicious pain. Everyone was having a truly wonderful time.

I think the first thing that struck me was simply the fact that I was standing in the woods eyeing four naked women and their partners as they engaged in kink. There were two things that stood out as extremely new to me about this. The first was simply the fact that four women that I had never previously met were comfortable stripping naked and playing in front of me. The second was the fact that voyeurism was not only acceptable, it was encouraged. For a young man from the upper Midwest it was exciting and fun, but intimidating and a little scary as well.

As the evening progressed and darkness fell, the play moved inside. We all gathered around the living room to watch a pretty little girl getting her ass beaten by a local Domme. The peanut gallery was alive with praise for the Domme and her toy, suggestions, tauntings, teases, oohs and ahhs. And again, here was a nearly naked woman tied to a Saint Andrew's Cross and allowing us all to participate.

None of the toys I saw being used were terribly new to me. By then I'd experimented a bit with floggers, various restraints, canes, crops, and so on. I already felt comfortable with them. It was the voyeuristic nature of the experience that was the most unfamiliar and carried with it the feelings that anything new and unusual might: discomfort and awkwardness. Being able to stand in a kitchen with multiple nearly-naked or naked women and carry on conversations as though it were Sunday after church at the local diner was just too weird, and yet amazingly fun!

A voyeur by nature, I'd always dreamed of watching people engage in activities that require nudity. But to be there and have it be real; to understand the idea that the people who go to play parties and play are there at least in part to be watched; to realize that it's acceptable to look, to observe, even to participate was, to use a common phrase, just way too cool. I found that people were so willing to talk, and so free and comfortable with their kink, that saying, "This is odd, standing here talking to all you naked women," was as often as not met with the comment: "You're new to this, aren't you?" and a few hearty chuckles. Their comfort with the environment and the activities diffused what little discomfort I was feeling. I took most of my cues from those around me; I got along quite well and had a great time - but it was definitely a new experience.

There is one thing I have learned that seems to be paramount at these gatherings, and that is the cardinal rule of play parties: HAVE FUN. Get to know people; be polite and sensitive to other players, your host, and the people you meet - because if everyone is concerned that everyone else is enjoying him/herself, everyone will have a better time. Aside from that, I quickly discovered that the rules are much less intimidating than I had originally feared and mostly based on simple common sense, politeness, and basic respect.

Fast forward a few months, to a bonfire munch with a group of singletail aficionados. This is the one toy that I hadn't seen used and was somewhat awed by. To think that a submissive or bottom would be comfortable with someone taking a bullwhip to them was amazing to me. I was surprised by the variety of shapes, sizes and configurations that these toys took.

I learned a great deal, most specifically that scening with a singletail whip is not what I thought it was. The tease, the mindfuck, that comes with singletail play is one of the strongest I've observed so far. I was entranced as I listened to my impromptu instructors explain the nuances of singletail play, explaining to me that the singletail is used in highly specialized, extremely calculated ways and NEVER simply as a whip. I even let someone snap me on the back of the arm. It was one of the more educational encounters I've had in the lifestyle so far.

One aspect that I'm finding most unique to the public play experience is negotiating activities and limits with someone that I've never previously played. At times, I find it difficult to get from meeting someone to negotiating mutually enjoyable activities to actually engaging in those activities. I finally came to realize that when playing in public, the questions "What do you want to do?" and "What do you like?" are natural starting places, and since this is not a D/s scenario (unless that becomes, as a temporary condition, part of the scene) there's no loss of power.

Moving from the initial conversation to limits, health issues or physical disablements, toy selection, and then moving into the actual play phase is becoming increasingly more comfortable. It just takes a bit of practice. I am becoming more accustomed to playing publicly now - being observed is starting to feel less like performing for the judges and more to like sharing the sensuality of the event with the friends I've made.

I'm finding that patience truly IS a virtue in this lifestyle. Taking time to observe, to get to know people, and to be conscientious with your play partners will bring the rewards of a good reputation and plenty of respect. I rarely bring my toys in with me when I first arrive at a play party, preferring instead to focus on meeting people, mingling, discussing lifestyle issues - just getting to know people. The play will come naturally from the relationships that one builds on a personal level first.

As I continue to add to my experience in this sphere of activity, I continue to find it so invigorating to be supportive and tender while beating a girl's ass with a yardstick or a flogger. I find the contrast between the pain of the clamps and the cane taking its place beside the pleasure of multiple orgasms to be simply delicious. The juxtaposition of pain and pleasure, of control and submission, of being tender and caring with someone while you bruise them in ways that will hurt for days is a heady mixture of thoughts and feelings that I've quickly become addicted to.

I plan on expanding my toy collection. What boy doesn't long to have as many cool toys as possible? I plan on expanding my exposure to all the truly unique and wonderful people this lifestyle has to offer. I plan one day to settle into a kinky relationship with a submissive of my own. I plan on continuing to build solid personal relationships with the people I encounter. I plan to continue playing publicly - developing my reputation as a sensitive, able top. I will continue to expand my practice with various tools and toys so that I can be the very best top and dominant I'm capable of being.