I’m not going to write a Master-D-bates column this month,
so if you’re here looking for it, I’m sorry to disappoint
you. What with the holidays and all, I don’t have the time,
energy or inclination. It’s that time of year again. If it
were up to me I’d flog Santa all the way back to the North
Pole.
Since this is the season, we had our group’s annual Christmas
munch this year, which I quite enjoyed. Very different from last
year’s party, but that’s another story. One of the things
I did manage to do this year , and I know you’ll find this
hard to believe, was to get into a heated discussion with another
dom. Yes, I know, it’s amazing. I had an argument. I still
think he’s wrong. Of course he thinks I’m wrong too,
but he doesn’t have a cool column like I do to vent about it.
We had been talking about how people define themselves in the lifestyle,
and this dom, who I’ll call G, said that everyone defines their
own roles and however they see themselves, that’s how they
are. Wow, that’s fantastic. So if I think I’m the next
messiah, I am? Or if I say I’m a woman--or a lesbian trapped
in a man’s body (mind you I say that all the time), does it
become the truth?
My argument is this: saying something is so doesn’t make it
so. The terms we use have definitions, if not fixed definitions,
and though those definitions vary from person to person, there is
a range of what’s acceptable. For example, if I saw a man kneeling
to a woman and calling her Ma’am, I’d assume he was a
sub. If I later found out he called himself a dom and he behaved
that way cause he enjoyed doing it, and she was the sub humoring
him, I’d have a problem accepting that. Maybe it’s me.
Over the years, I’ve met a number of so-called doms who I don’t
think are at all dominant. I imagine there are those who have said
the same about me, but not many who have lived to tell the tale (at
least those who have said it to my face).
I think it’s fine to define your own terms if you’re
sitting at home alone, or with your partner, uninvolved in social
scene. However, once you enter the public arena, you’ll find
definitions DO exist, even if no one can clearly put those definitions
into words. To say that we don’t judge others is at the very
least naïve. We all do it. We don’t have to attach ourselves
to what we think, but how can anyone live without judging?
You walk into a room full of people, and your mind immediately starts
looking for the familiar. This man is wearing an expensive suit,
he probably has money. This girl is acting loud and obnoxious, she’s
probably had too much to drink. This big beefy guy is probably someone
I don’t want to get on the wrong side of. For all I know, he
might be a pacifist, but first impressions being what they are, it’s
not what I’d assume.
The same can happen in a BDSM group. As soon as a new person enters,
it’s human nature to size him/her up. How often have you heard
someone say, “if that’s guy’s a dom, I’m
King Kong.” It’s conceivable that our judgmental speaker
is mistaken, but he still has a set of definitions against which
he holds each new person he meets. I think most of us do. And if
he’s wrong, it doesn’t matter, since no one is about
to argue with a giant ape.
Even after someone tells us what they think they are, we don’t
always buy it. I had my teenage stepson recently tell me he was
a grown man. I’m thinking, grown yes, but let’s see
a bit of evidence of maturity before we take that statement to
its logical conclusion. He hasn’t been tested yet, and so
can’t prove he’s a man—at least not to me.
Within each group of people, general definitions may vary, but
that doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, or that people
won’t be judged by them. Without any definitions , how
can communication even exist?
This is true for all groups. If you’re Gorean, you know how
Goreans generally act. I’m not saying all Goreans are the
same. I’m saying there is a range of permissible behavior,
which may vary from group to group.
If you don’t have set definitions, how is it possible to
protect subs from dangerous predators within the community. How
is it possible to looking out for players, or abusers? Isn’t
that an important part of the community’s function? I’ve
met many abusers who use the term dominant, and frankly, I feel
that sheds a bad light on responsible and caring doms like me.
Am I wrong to feel this way? G might thing so, but I don’t.
I’ve always been about protecting subs, and even doms from
those who are likely to hurt them. In fact, I’ll try to protect
any friend at all, in or out of the lifestyle. Isn’t that
part of what friendship’s about.
The other side of the coin is, as G pointed out, someone may not
be a dom to me, but might be a perfect dom to someone else. In
this he is right, but still, my opinion of him won’t change.
And as long as he’s not a predator, and he’s not hurting
someone in a nonconsensual manner, it’s not my business,
but the line between the two can be very thin.
I recently learned of a sub whose dom stopped talking to her for
months. He was angry with her, and though she was collared to
him, she was allowed no contact. To me, this is a form of neglect,
if
not abuse, and the dom is being hurtful. As a punishment it’s
overkill. If he can’t deal with her, release her and let
her find someone who can. But that’s just my opinion. Everyone
who knows the pair of them, shares that opinion with me, except
the girl, who still wishes to belong to him. This infuriates me,
because he has used her badly and she simply won’t accept
it. Still, it’s not my choice, it’s hers, so I back
off and let her do what she has to. Either she’ll be proved
right, or she’ll learn the hard way. Either way, it’s
out of my hands. It’s hard enough helping people who want
you to. Helping someone who doesn’t want you to is nigh
on impossible.
Anyway, this week’s homework assignment for those who don’t
mind a bit of introspection, is this: think of how you see yourself
in the lifestyle and, if you’re involved in the scene, how
others might see you differently. What is there about the way you
practice things that would make others stand up and take notice?
Do you share those things? Do you hide them for fear of being found
out? The answer to these questions may not be as important as the
asking of them.
It may help you define how you see people in the lifestyle, and
why. Just be careful who you choose to discuss it with, or you
might end up writing an article you had neither the time or inclination
to write.
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