In a recent interaction, I was expected to be in a submissive mindset. Unfortunately, a circumstance at home caused me to come right up out of that and into a most challenging dominant stance. I couldn’t get myself out of it no matter how hard I tried and my anger at the situation at home only made it worse. My switchy partner recognized the change and immediately changed his interactions with me. This instant recognition allowed me to calm myself and work myself down, with a bit of help from my partner, to a nice mellow submissive and later into a very deep submissive position in which I stayed for quite a while.

Familiarization to your partner’s body language, tone of voice and subtle changes in forms of address and intonation can make or break a scene in terms of where it goes, most especially when switches are involved. Not only can the level of interaction go up and down, but the type of interaction as well, going from dom/sub to sub/dom rather quickly. There are three major areas to consider when working on improving these types of interactions.

Internal influences are essentially things the person already carries with them. These can be things like emotional, physical or mental reactions developed from childhood. These can also be developed from traumatic events such as molestation, rape, or muggings. These are most commonly called “triggers”. Hitting one of these triggers during a scene can turn a switch from sub to dom or the other way around in an instant. Gathering information from your partner during negotiations can help you avoid some of these as a potential problem. The more you know about your partner’s past, the better.

Direct influences are those things that act on the person directly such as their health or current emotional state. Know the signs of stress, anger or sarcasm in your partner. These can clue you into the mindset of the day: dom, sub or otherwise.

Outside influences are the things that everyone deals with on a daily basis, such as your job, other people, school or children. Family and friends are also in this category. Having a bad day at work does not make for a good scene particularly if the switch tends to become dommy and you want them subbie for the scene. The same holds true for children. Mommy mode is a very dominant, yet loving, headset to be in, and one wouldn’t consider spanking a Mommy type. The chance that you would be getting the spanking back would be very high. In reverse, you wouldn’t consider getting a flogging from a person who has just been dealing with their very dominant father all day.

As a switch, there are a few tools at your disposal to deal with influences and help ease yourself back to where you’d like to be. In cases of anger or stress, sometimes 5 or 10 minutes of meditation can be the key to that soft submissive headset you are trying to find. Try karate or a heavy game of tennis to stimulate aggression and a more challenging dominant manner. For myself, something as simple as a visual cue, such as a particular piece of jewelry or clothing, can change me from one side to the other.

For both your partner and yourself, keeping an eye out for quick changes in mindsets and logging the circumstances behind them can help you both to figure out what can be utilized and what to avoid in the future. Daily journaling is very useful in keeping track of emotional and traumatic triggers as well as finding coping mechanisms for dealing with them. All is not lost just because the switch is not in the headset for play you were hoping for. Sometimes it takes a little work to get there, but oh the fun to be had when you do!