It seems, time and time again, when I talk to people that are going to their first event, even if they claim not to, they have expectations about what BDSM is, or perhaps what BDSM should be. It is almost like they have this image of a gothic palace, with a dark dungeon lit only by burning torches, with a mass of naked and leather-covered bodies writhing in an orgy of kinky sexual excess.

Anyone who has been to more than event or two knows that there is really not much accuracy to that image (DAMN!). While expectation and fantasy can be a good thing – it can enrich our fantasies and our imagination – it can also get in the way of reality and our expectations can set us up for disappointment. But how does this expectation get built and why can it be a bad thing?

I distinctly remember talking to a newbie not all that long ago. She asked me what the most important thing I have learned in my involvement in the BDSM community. I told her, in complete and utter honesty, that the thing I thought was the most important lesson I have learned was to remember to have fun and to enjoy myself. I am sure that I heard her jaw drop over the instant messaging program and I strangely never got a message from her again. I can only assume that ‘having fun’ was contrary to her expectations about the BDSM community – that BDSM must be a serious thing and that there is no room for smiles and/or laughter. While for many people this is clearly the case, for many of us, there is much laughter and enjoyment to be had in the course of a scene.

So how does a newbie, never having attended an event, start to envision this serious business? I think there are a few sources for these expectations – BDSM erotica, fetish/BDSM porn and internet chat – all of which have several elements in common. BDSM erotica, fetish/BDSM porn and internet chat are all based on the idea of story-telling. What are cybersex/chatroom scenes if not a form of interactive erotica? While I think, in general, these things can be fun, they are not necessarily educational. Erotica and the ‘plots’ of porn are fiction, by definition. However, I think most people fail to understand to what degree internet chat or internet scenes are also types of fiction. An internet chat room is a place where one can be whatever one wants – the opposite sex, more assertive, more adventurous, less shy, or anything that the mind can conjure. The roles we play can be grounded in some form of reality, but at their core, we also blend into the scene some amount of fiction. We do not have to be constrained by reality, and, truth be told, sometimes the constraint of what reality is inhibits the flow of an online scene. We can contort our bodies into positions otherwise not possible (and never have a limb go to sleep or get a cramp!). We can orgasm a hundred times and as long as the fantasy at some level is plausible, we can accept these fictions. However, it becomes more problematic when the line between an online fantasy life blends with our expectations of what the real-life BDSM community may or may not be. It can be a hard task to differentiate what the fantasy and reality parts of the equation may be, especially with a lack of experience.

I believe that fantasy life builds expectations about what BDSM is/should be. The downside of this expectation is two-fold: it can prevent a newbie from getting involved because what they expect is ‘too extreme’ for them or it can cause the first experiences to be less than the newbie expected. Either way, too many expectations can mean that the integration/participation of the newbie in the real-life community is either prevented or altogether too brief. Whether it is one result or the other it is a loss both for the newbie and for the community.

While I think an active fantasy life can be a good way to figure out what you are turned on by in the BDSM world, I think that letting it become the basis for the expectation of reality leads to the creation of unrealistic expectations. It is not my intent to talk newbies out of having a rich fantasy life and getting their rocks off fantasizing about kinky sex. We all need a rich and active fantasy life, whether we act it out with a partner, or whether we create elaborate masturbation scenes (or both frankly!), fantasy is an important factor in our sexual well-being. However, when fiction becomes the cornerstone for our perceptions of reality, it is not a healthy thing.