Do you use toys? If so, what is your favourite toy, and why?
Oh, definitely canes. I absolutely adore the formality and the precisions
inherent in that type of play. And it’s such a lazy top toy.
So little force needed to get a response.
Do you believe in safe words and limits? What are your personal
limits?
Yes, and no. I believe in safe words for casual play and for people
who are submissives. I do not believe in them for people who are
slaves.
My personal limits are not maiming someone or deliberately breaking
bones. Definitely no death. No kids or animals. No dead bodies.
No scat.
What do you get the most pleasure from in a session?
Well, it’s different with different people. With my favorite
play partner, I love to hear her say, “You bitch, you fucking
bitch!!”
What is the biggest benefit for you of being a dominant?
I get to be fulfilled. Being a dominant is part of who I am, so
being able to express that rather than having to hide it is emotionally
freeing.
Where does sex fit in with your opinions of BDSM - D/s?
Well, I’m married. So I have sex with my husband. I don’t
do casual sex. I don’t have a problem with those who do,
however. Just not my thing.
Do you believe in 24/7 D/s? Yes. Why?
Some people are meant to be slaves. Some of us are meant to be
dominants. Some aren’t meant for either. But when it works,
it’s fulfilling for everyone involved.
To what degree is your relationship BDSM OR D/s (or both).
My husband and I used to have a D/s relationship. When he got outed,
he wanted away from the scene and away from being a slave. I
couldn’t very well blame him. It was an awful thing that
happened to him. And it was very hurtful. Someone in the scene
actually told someone he worked with about him.
We’re currently trying to rebuild our D/s relationship as
he discovered that he missed it. So right now, it’s about
50/50. I’m hoping to get eventually get back into a master/slave
relationship. It’s funny how much our SM play was involved
with the D/s side of our relationship as I do SM play with other
people and do not have a D/s relationship with them.
How important is it that dominants have some sort of personal
experience or perspective of what they ask of their submissive
to endure/perform?
I was a submissive for three years. I think all tops need to bottom,
not sub (If you’re not a sub, you’re not going to feel
like one) since no one should be using toys unless they have a
good idea what they feel like. And believe me, a paddle used on
your butt by a top is a lot different than a paddle smacked on
your leg by you. My leather family wouldn’t consider anyone
who felt that bottoming was beneath them.
What is your definition of the power exchange between dom and
sub?
It’s sure not that submission is a gift, I’ll tell
you. Whoever started that must have been a “do me queen.” Submission
is no more a gift than domination is a gift. Power exchange is
an exchange between equals. It’s not something between an
inferior and a superior. It’s between equals. Someone who
is inferior has nothing to give you.
When serious anger occurs directly related to something pertaining
to your submissive, how do you feel it should be dealt with?
Well, I feel that it should be dealt with when you are clam enough
to deal with it. My husband who is my submissive thinks it should
be dealt with immediately even if it means in anger.
What does being a dominant mean to you personally?
It means that I have responsibilities to anyone in service to me
to help them be all that they can be.
Do you believe a D/s relationship should be symbiotic, or is it
all about your needs?
Oh, I wish it only were about my needs. I don’t know anyone
who wasn’t a doormat who would hang around in a situation
where their needs were not met. And who wants to dom a doormat?
What are your personal views on the dynamics of D/s?
Well, the dynamics are the master gives the orders and the submissive
follows them. If you mean on the relationship as whole? Well,
I have always thought that a dominant who is into micromanaging
a submissive has too much time on his/her hands. I’m not
interested in making a decision yes or no every time a submissive
needs to pee. I also won’t tell someone to stop smoking
or to stop any other such habit they have. If they decide to
stop, I’ll do everything I can to help them, but trying
to make someone stop smoking if they don’t want to, is
a sure path to causing them to lie to you. And believe me, if
your submissive is lying to you, that is the beginning of the
end.
How important is negotiation for you?
In a scene, it’s important. In my life, it depends on my
potential relationship with the person. If they are planning to
become a slave, we’ll negotiate some, but if their expectations
are too far from mine, it’s not likely to be a viable relationship.
If they are in service to me, that’s another kettle of fish.
That isn’t an expectation of relationship, so the negotiation
is going to be lengthy and careful. Someone who comes only to learn
from me isn’t looking for a long term relationship.
What are your feelings on slave contracts?
I think they are silly. A slave has no limits or safewords. A slave
makes the decision to be a slave, and that is his/her last decision.
After that, they can only make the decision to stop being a slave
or to continue. Anyone who makes a decision to be a slave without
knowing his/her master for a long time (and we’re talking
months and years here, not weeks) is a fool. You’re giving
someone total control over you, and you don’t know what kind
of thoughts this person has? You don’t know their background?
Their financial and work history?
How did you enter the BDSM world? OR ... What personal experience(s)
led you to the BDSM lifestyle?
Oh, I’ve always been into bondage and such. I just finally
found a word for it.
What do you feel sets you and your practice/pursuit of the BDSM
lifestyle apart from others?
Probably nothing. I’m famous because I teach and have the
website. I know a lot because I read, pay attention, and attend
classes. But there are people in the scene who know more than me
who’ve never taught a class. And people who teach classes
who know a lot less.
How would you approach (WOULD you approach...) or deal with a
vanilla acquaintance who was curious about BDSM and What It Is
That We Do?
I’d probably recommend “When Someone You Love is Kinky” and “Screw
the Roses, Send Me the Thorns.” If that didn’t scare
them off, I’d probably take them to a munch, or if they were
female, to one of the teas. (www.twistedteas.org/) Nothing too
scary to start with.
Do you think long term couples should continue to adhere to limits
and safewords or should they work to eliminate them?
That is always up to the couple. What works for someone like
me who is into master/slave relationships isn’t the same as
for a couple who get into some light bondage and SM as a prelude
to sex. And certainly, I can’t speak for people who are into
training situations or who are weekend BDSMers. Every relationship
is different and should be different. Do what works.
How important is sceening within the parameters of your relationship?
Not very.
What do you feel is the single, most important
thing for any new dominant to learn (or observe, explore, share)
when entering into
this lifestyle? Can you give us an example of one of your first
learning experiences?
Oh, goodness!!
You would ask me that. Well, one thing is that just because it’s on the internet doesn’t mean it’s
true. Try to learn from people. Don’t just do it because
you read it. Take classes. Talk to other people in the scene. Ask
questions. I’ll tell you a story about my early life as a dominant.
I was playing with a guy who was really into genitorture. He was
a surgeon. And he’d been training me on various things. We’d
been doing a lot of clips and clamps and cock bondage. He’s
tied to the bed in a four point tie, blindfolded and hooded.
He had this studded cock sheath, and I put in on him, and tied
it in place with some cord. I happened to notice some Ben Gay on
the nightstand. Now I had READ about using this kind of stuff on
the internet, so I grabbed the bottle, glopped out a big handful,
and spread it all over his scrotum and perineum.
Well, when it started
to get warm, he got an erection which, of course, caused him
to press against the sharp studs on the
sheath.
So far, fine. Then the ben gay really started to burn, and he
started moaning really loud and thrashing against the bondage.
It suddenly
occurred to me that perhaps he was allergic to that stuff, or
I’d
put too much on, or…or……
I panicked. I ran into the bathroom, got a washcloth, soaked it
in ice cold water, ran back into the bedroom, and pushed it up
against this balls.
He screamed, bowed
up in the middle, then fell back on the bed, limp. I thought
I’d killed him. I frantically start taking
him out of the bondage and I got the hood off…to find him
with a beautific grin. He said, “That was incredible.” So
I let him think I did it on purpose.
Now I could have killed
him if he’d been allergic, I could
have caused him blisters and such if it had been capsaicin and
he’d had a bad reaction, and I could have just caused him
a lot of nasty pain. I didn’t know how to make it stop burning
at the time, and if it had been too much for him, there would have
been nothing that I could have done but wait it out. (Though it’s
true that since he was a doctor, he could probably have given me
an antidote. But not everyone is a doctor.) I was doing something
I didn’t know about except from information on the internet.
I’d never asked him about his allergies, I just slapped that
stuff on him. I didn’t know enough to be doing that kind
of thing. |
Age: I like to keep that my little secret.
