Child welfare laws vary. For example, in Ontario ,Canada the courts
take into account the 'best interests' of the child in custody
matters to the degree of appointing legal representatives to speak
for the children. My experience has been that the courts will seriously
listen to the wishes of children ages twelve and older. That being
the case, your adolescent daughter's perceptions will certainly
weigh heavily.
As to your ex's petitioning the courts for custody on the basis
of your D/s behavior, it is important to note that in most jurisdictions
the court does not recognize adults consenting to physical beatings.
The physical play of bdsm is therefore viewed as assault.
In my opinion as a kink-friendly therapist and former child welfare
officer, sharing your D/s life with your children who are below
the age of majority (adulthood) is placing yourself at risk.
Kindred
Response by slave Cat
slave Cat here .....
I've worked in family law (in the State of Nevada) for many years.
My response is quite simple:
Anyone can, at any time,
bring an action to change custody. In Nevada there must be a "reason" for
a motion for change of custody. It is always an ideal situation
when we do
not have
to defend WIITWD in any arena. It can get quite technical if we
do have to defend it in a court of law. In my experience, a smart,
level headed judge may not worry at all so long as folks aren't
running around (or shall I say crawling around) naked, so long
as there isn't SM activities going on involving the children, or
in direct view of the children. Alas, not all judges are levelheaded
or fair.
Master and I have dealt
with this exact possibility as I have 2 teenaged children at
home. We share custody with my ex. We
are just very careful with our dynamic in front of the children.
One
of things that we do (that was actually started by my daughter)
is that in their presence I refer to Master as "Mister Conrad." My
daughter started that as a cute nickname for him, that showed some
respect for his authority. It stuck. Yes, there are times I slip
and call him Master in front of them, but they pay very little,
if any, attention to the slips. This might be because “Mister” and “Master” sound
so similar (and that was originally the case) but by now I am reasonably
certain they have heard “Master” enough times they
know what I am saying.
My advice is this: stay on good terms, so much as you are able,
with the ex's; Keep everything such as toys and tools, out of sight,
out of reach, of minor children; live your lives as you would but
tempered with the idea that we don't need to involve other individuals
non- consensually in our worlds/lives/dynamics, this involves our
children. And last but certainly not least, if you have any legal
issues that arise, and threats are made that someone may try to
use your lifestyle against you, retain counsel immediately.
My Two Cents ~slave Cat Southwest slave, 2006 1.
Response by Master Conrad
I agree fully with what Master Kindred and my slave Cat have stated.
First, SM play is not
considered psychologically "normal
or legal in any state within the United States. I am less clear
on other countries but my vague perception is that within the United
Kingdom and Canada this is also the case. Be exceedingly careful
in providing details of play to either your children or your ex's.
If it comes up, "kinky sex" is about as far as I would
let the description go. A better way to handle it is a simple "that
is none of your business" or "I am not comfortable
discussing such private details."
While Cat and I are
very open regarding our relationship with our close friends,
we also do not force it upon nonconsenting
ears and if a minor cannot consent to sex (and legally and morally
they
typically cannot) then why would they be able to consent to receiving
detailed information about someone else's sex life, including
their parents. Discussions with young children about sex become
fraught
with peril when you get into detail, even when discussion simple
vanilla sex. Further, while "the birds and the bees" might
be a useful discussion in certain contexts, I fail to see the utility
to a discussion regarding "the slaves and the whips" with
anything other than a child who has reached adulthood.
Perhaps I am a bit strange however, as I have a strong feeling
that nobody is really ready for SM play or heavy lifestyle related
D/s until they are at least in their mid twenties. I am not really
comfortable talking about Master/slave relationships, SM play or
such with kids and am not usually willing to play with anyone unless
they have demonstrated sufficient maturity, which usually manifests
itself at around twenty-five years of age (or sometimes, regrettably,
never). When I took Cat, I also took responsibility for her children,
and I would never want someone in my care privy to information
they are too young to positively absorb.
My basic advice is:
Do not use titles in front of the kids at first, do not use high
protocol. Live your day to day life with your basic interactions
in place, but do not share intimate details anymore than you would
surf the net for porn with the kids looking over your shoulder,
as the courts might very well look at it as the same thing. Eventually
the basic interactions and D/s expectations in a 24/7 Master/slave
relationship will become an accepted norm around your home and
any slip ups or over sharing will have their damage minimized.
Yet I would never, ever, share too many details, especially as
it compromises deniability in a later court action. This all is
especialy true for sex and SM toys and tools and lifestyle related
books: keep them away from prying eyes as they will assuredly be
viewed very dimly by a family court judge or someone with your
local equivalent of Child Protective Services.
By way of a personal note:
I live a 24/7 Master/slave
relationship with Cat and have had other lifestyle involved submissives
who have stayed with us
in the past; we also have her two teenaged children in the house,
and an ex-husband to deal with. We might be in a somewhat unusual
position given that I am a trial attorney who owns my own law
firm,
with the various strategic and finacial advantages that would
confer in the event of a child custody dispute. However, I believe
my
actions at home would be no different were I in a different situation
legally. When the children moved in with us full time it was
to provide stability for them. Part of that stability was found
in
the obviously strong and structured relationship Cat and I share.
I had no interest in hiding that relationship; it is good for
them to see that dynamic and, anyway, I do not hide well or comfortably
what I am or how I live. However, in terms of details we determined
that if specific details " slipped" out it would be best
if they did so after the kids were comfortable with the workings
of the relationship. At that point it would be more of "yeah,
makes sense, so what" rather than a salacious detail for gossip
or shock. So while we did not change our basic interactions we
forbore from use of titles or from in depth explanations. At this
stage, about two years later, it is pretty much at the "yeah,
makes sense, so what" stage and there is really little concern
about it causing any grief any place. And, of course, if we ever
had the grief, having never shared details, our response to any
legal attack would be "prove it" which would be somewhat
difficult to do in a court setting where the strict rules of
evidence rather than the somewhat less structured rules of gossip
apply.
