Though for most, being a trainer or protector is a grand idea. Sharing their knowledge, helping a new sub find their feet and navigate through our world is very much appreciated by their charges. However, a well meaning dominant needs to keep their radar on high alert to ensure they don’t end up needing their own protector

I’m sure it is a surprise to some that dominants can be victim of predators in this culture just as easily as a submissive can. Sometimes it’s easier as many dominants won’t have even considered there are dangers out there for them too, especially the ones that have a drive to protect. But it’s true, and it’s something one might want to keep their eyes open for.

Let’s look at the sub who wants (needs?) to be trained. Exactly what is it they want to be trained in? Service? S&M? Pain tolerance? What exactly? How long have these submissives been in the lifestyle? Have they had past BDSM relationships? If so, how is it they feel they need training? Are they really looking for a replacement dominant?

Ask these questions. Ask harder questions. You need to find out what it is they expect from you.

I say this because it is easy to grow too emotionally attached to your trainer. A trainer can introduce a submissive to highs they’ve never experienced. If there isn’t a lot of emotional self checking but both trainer and trainee, there could be trouble brewing.

It’s worse if the trainer is under control emotionally but the trainee is fantasizing about them constantly. Suddenly you have a submissive who is heavily attached to you and somehow you have to get them to let go, preferably with everybody’s dignity intact. IF you manage to do that, it is going to take a great deal of work. Being aware of the emotional trappings, will give you a chance to keep things from going sideways. Rejection, even if there was never a promise of anything other than training, is a powerful emotion to deal with. Things can get said that can cause a dominant no end of trouble from being accused of assault to having your reputation ruined to being outted.

Protectors can run into similar problems. It is easy to rely on somebody else to say no for you. It’s also much easier to let someone else screen suitors, determine levels of play, and take care of the bullies in chatrooms. Too easy.

You don’t do a submissive any favours by protecting them if you don’t teach them how to protect themselves. What are they supposed to do when you are not around? Also, what if you err in your judgment and the submissive gets hurt?

I’m of the opinion that a protector is a good thing to have around at times but at the end of the day I only have myself to rely on. I was taught that, and I was taught how to speak up for myself, I was taught to recognize when it’s best to seek assistance (some people don’t take no for an answer from a submissive and you really do need help, that or you can cause a big ugly scene). The key here is to ensure that while you are protecting your charge, you are also building their confidence and setting examples in how they can protect themselves. That information will be more valuable long term than anything else you can ever do.

As with trainers, it is easy to become over reliant on a protector. When a submissive relies on you as their safe harbour feelings can grow and unhealthy attachments can be made. What was meant as a way of keeping a submissive safe could turn into a very sticky situation if attachment grow too strong. It can become easy for a submissive to find contentment in their protector to the point that they stop trying to seek a dominant of their own.

Even a submissive who is stable emotionally can fall into the trap of falling in love with their trainer or protector. That is a difficult situation to manage. To untangle yourself from that kind of situation without hurting anybody, the dominant included, is hard.
But the real trouble comes from the drama queens (or kings) or the submissives with emotional or psychological problems, or the ones with trauma in their past.

This is not to say that all submissives have some kind of emotional problem but rather the ones that do, and they are out there, are the ones that have potential to do serious damage to you. Some of these people are expert manipulators and will deliberately attempt to make you ‘their dominant, and when you don’t want to play that game – watch out.

You will be on the receiving end of a character assassination, in, and/or out of the community. If your accuser comes across as being legitimate your name will be mud regardless as to whether you are a victim of a manipulator or not. It happens. More than we all like to admit.

The trainers and protectors in our culture can be very valuable to the people who actually need them, but for the submissives who are simply seeking attention, trainer and protectors are prime targets. So, when you offer your services, be clear right from the start on what is it you are offering. Make sure people around you are aware of your agreement and keep yourself out of situations that could be viewed as questionable to someone on the outside looking in.