I seem to have slipped out of party mode though the volume of kinksters around me has not lessened nor has my interest in all things BDSM related. The party and the play still fulfills certain aspects of my personality but the craving for such has been replaced with a deeper desire to delve more into the aspects of D/s that has always consumed the majority of my time and energy prior to my return to Canada.

This morning as I am writing my column I ask myself if I feel a loss or a gain in this transition back to my old ways and must honestly say I feel neither loss nor gain but a wonderful calm and satisfaction. Looking back I see how each foot step on the path has been delightful or a learning curve needed in the moment. I am content and energized while also feeling passionately evil emotions and intimacy in all that I do.

Life is good.

Spending an evening with a room full of submissives filling every inch of my floor while a dominant or two sits above them, all in conversation about hopes and dreams and how to attain them teaches me new things about human nature and buttons to be pushed or not.

D/s…Looks so simple in print but the complexities of what it really means is as diverse as our imagination and needs. D/s has so many facets of possibilities depending upon the unique interpretations of each individual who searches for just such a relationship.

How does one come to the realization that the hub of a desire can be centered on the day to day orders and commands, structure rules and rituals?

It often begins with a nagging knot in the pit of the stomach, an uncertainty or surge of powerful emotions. As the Domme that basks in the energy of those just discovering that there is more to the BDSM world than play it is an intoxicating journey for me to view the transition or realization of the edginess of the D/s world over fantasy.

When I speak of formality such as I enjoyed in Europe eyes light up and I am almost able to hear the breath being held in the throat, each word holding those dreaming of more spellbound and wistful. Mention of rules in real and everyday situations that prepare one for more formal occasions is met by question after question of examples and what ifs. Even the explanation of where ritual training can prepare one for more formal events stirs the imagination and desire to try the untried.

For me to transition back to a more D/s mindset is still fascinating as I spent two months coming to terms with where I really “fit” for my own benefit and happiness. The lifestyle had begun to feel inauthentic and hurried with very little substance. A façade that overtime brought me to questioning my own authenticity enough to seriously consider walking away from it all or “settling” for play only and shelving my deeper needs for D/s. There are few easy moments when one begins to question a lifelong journey nor is there rest from the inevitable exhaustion of trying to push forward as though nothing has changed. The unease and exhaustion finds one on a lonely road for the answers to the questions one poses to herself can only come from within. There is also the realization that others in the circle of familiar friends have journeys that do not mesh well with changes in ones life that effect their own. Influences come from all quarters and when not identified internally slow the grasp of nuances that have brought one to today.

Making tough life changing decisions such as potentially walking away from the D/s or BDSM world can be either devastating or freeing.

Today I am pleased that I went through many months of questioning myself for I have found the path back to where I was a few years ago passionately dedicated to D/s. Enjoying the private instruction and education of those who crave the same nucleus of formality wrapped tightly in rules and rituals. Never a dull moment yet I no longer feel as though I have no time to make spontaneous decisions based on my own desires of the moment.

Now the party and the play take second place in my world, the icing on the cake, and both have become something I enjoy in the moment...any moment I choose! What a fabulous feeling to find the path back to the core of oneself.

And with this, her final column, The Dominant’s View bids our dear Mistress Marlene a fond farewell. She has contributed much to the zine over the year and a half she has been with us and has been a joy to work with. Mistress Marlene, you have my respect, gratitude and my friendship. I hope the next phase of your journey brings you much happiness and personal satisfaction. For the next few issues we will have guest columnists continue in Mistress’s Musing as we seek a suitable dominant to fill Mistress Marlene’s boots. If you’d like to write for this column as a guest or be considered to take over the column, please contact me at: tdv @ thedomsview.com (please put “Mistress” in the subject line).