Do you believe in 24/7 D/s? Why?
I do believe in 24/7 D/s; for me it is the best way to be in an intimate relationship. By 24/7 D/s I do not mean 24/7 sceneing but rather that I can call scene anytime, 24/7. It also seems to me that it’s possible to be in a 24/7 D/s relationship without living together as long as the proper foundation has been laid and the relationship is given the proper maintenance. I have found distance relationships to be difficult.

Where does sex fit in with your opinions of BDSM - D/s?
Sexuality is integral to bdsm, although sex is not. I would say that for me, the reverse is true—bdsm is integral to sex. I started having orgasms when I was 14 years old and I have never had an orgasm without thinking or doing bdsm. Never. Not once.

Do you use toys? If so, what is your favourite toy, and why?
Most people know me for my use of the cane, but the strap is currently my favorite implement. I like the fact that there is some skill to using it, to laying it flat every time and not wrapping, and it fits my domestic orientation. I am also enthralled with the loud crack it makes as it lands on the submissive’s bottom.

Do you believe a D/s relationship should be symbiotic, or is it all about your needs?
It must be symbiotic. No healthy individual would consent to remain in a relationship that didn’t meet her or his needs. The key, then, is to engage with a submissive who derives much of her or his satisfaction from meeting my needs. Since I prefer a submissive who brings a great deal of personal power to the dynamic, some patience may be required as that person begins to readjust her or his priorities. Work or career, spiritual pursuits, the raising of children and so forth are areas with which I do not interfere; but generally that leaves a wide range of time, interests and activities that slowly move into synch with mine.

Do you think long term couples should continue to adhere to limits and safewords or should they work to eliminate them?
I’m not sure what should be done, mainly because D/s is so very particular to the individuals involved. Even in a close, long-term relationship, the submissive may need to convey to the Dominant that something unusual is happening—an asthma attack or leg cramp or whatever—and a safeword would seem to be the perfect means of signaling the seriousness of the matter.

In my first relationship, which lasted 19 years, we didn’t use safewords because we didn’t know what they were, and neither of us knew anything of the other’s limits, another foreign concept. It was primarily an sm relationship with D/s overtones. Over time I came to understand that what I sought was TPE and began to use sm mostly to validate submission. In my last relationship, I insisted my submissive have a safeword, but as it turned out, he never used it.

Somehow it doesn’t seem right, but I occasionally wonder about the technique a fellow Dominant claims to use, which is to bring a submissive immediately to the point of using a safeword the first time they play so there is never any false pride to prevent it from being used again.

As for limits, I am very impatient with Dominants who claim to push everyone’s limits. What’s the point of a limit if it isn’t sacred?

I understand TPE is different, but TPE is not to be entered into lightly or quickly. Personally, I find it pleasing to be given the right to use a particular power that I may never even want to use. In my past relationships, once limits have been explored in conversation and perhaps even in practice, they are abandoned. But I respect the need for those limits and unless they are erotically charged, I rarely toy with them.

When serious anger occurs directly related to something pertaining to your submissive, how do you feel it should be dealt with?
BSNS—bad sub, no scene. Although I love to play with the emotion of anger from time to time, I haven’t hit anyone in anger since I was a kid. I think some form of safety valve is needed, a way to signal Time Out so that issues can be discussed outside the normal trappings and expectations of D/s. One couple I know has a regular time set aside to check in with each other. Open communication about such issues is the only way to avoid having them fester and ultimately threaten the relationship itself.

What do you feel is the single, most important thing for any new dominant to learn (or observe, explore, share) when entering into this lifestyle? Can you give us an example of one of your first learning experiences?
It’s tough to be a new Dominant. You need to learn the trade, pick up some skills, get some practice… but it’s a quandary. How are you going to learn what you need to know without revealing how raw, how fresh, how new you are? without admitting what you don’t know? Being domly is all about confidence, all about knowing everything, having the magic touch, never making a mistake… right?

Wrong.

Don’t fall into that trap. It’s a nice fantasy, but it sure ain’t reality. It’s such a nice fantasy that it has a name—Dom’s Disease. Dominants with Dom’s Disease are unable to admit they don’t know something or that they made a mistake. They are always right… no matter what it takes to end up in the position of being right. They are arrogant. They “start to believe their own propaganda,” as Stephen Harris so succinctly put it. And sometimes slowly but always surely, those around them start to back away. If they’re lucky, someone will tell them they have Dom’s Disease and put them on the road to recovery.

So. Let’s say you’re willing to admit that you’re new and that you have a lot to learn. There’s a wealth of material out there. Everyone has a point of view, and I assure you, we each like our own point of view the best. How does one go about discerning fact from fiction? How does one ferret out the treasure buried in the mundane?

The answer is there is no answer.

Perhaps the single most important thing a new Dominant entering this lifestyle can do is keep an open mind. Observe everything. Talk to people. Watch scenes. Ask questions. Read everything you can get your hands on. Make no judgments—at first. Over time, the thread of truth that is common to many of your sources will begin to reveal itself. I believe this method will work for you regardless of the information you seek—how to flog, what a collar means, the best local leather workers, anything.

Not knowing is the beginning of knowing.