Well many of us are afraid to use it, so afraid in fact that some of us have to be trained to utter that word so that our partners know they can rely on us to call out when we need to. I have heard story after story of dominants putting their submissive through the wringer to try to get them to say that nasty word. And it has taken more effort than the dominant ever thought possible to hear even a whispered safe word let alone a good healthy holler of RED! It seems even when the goal is to hear it, we submissive types aren’t crazy about saying it.

Why is it that the system set up to keep us safe is avoided with such strength and unity? Well I have a few ideas…

The big one from where I sit is because there are a group of dominants who state the following:

If you call red then the scene will stop. The end. You’ll go home (or I’ll go home) and that will be the end of night.

It seems for these dominants, ‘red’ is the ultimate no-no. They expect to hear a warning long before the situation gets to red. If we let the situation get to the point where we have to call then we did not do our job in informing the dominant that things were getting over our heads.

While I understand that calling your safeword can really mess with a dominant’s head, I would really like to suggest that they consider what they are doing to a submissive by reacting so harshly. Yes it pulls you out of your ‘dom space’, however, cutting the submissive off, not allowing them to communicate what went wrong, leaving them alone and isolated with no aftercare doesn’t exactly leave a submissive dancing in the park either. In fact, what it does in reinforce the idea of not using their safe word – ever.

I wonder if a little debriefing and discussion couldn’t make a situation like that have a more satisfactory ending? I mean, what if there had been an equipment failure? Or what if the submissive started to feel nauseous? What if the scene suddenly triggered a bad memory? Could there be a what if that might alter your decision to shut down the evening?

Another situation where the fear to call red comes into play is the concern that the submissive ends up with too much control and the dominant ends up with none. In hopes of not appearing to Top from the Bottom, many submissives avoid their safeword until it is too late. We don’t want to appear ‘toppy’. We skip the warning call (yellow for most folks) and then we leave ourselves open to going further than we’re prepared for. This is a dangerous mind set for a submissive to have. It can put both parties in a very bad spot. Perhaps, as a dominant, being aware of this particular issue might help you help your submissive overcome that particular concern before it happens.

The last of my big three reasons for not calling red is competition. If sub X can take ten then I’ll take twenty. Ouch. Again, another dangerous mindset that can end up getting people hurt for absolutely no good reason. Whether or not we’re aware, it can become very easy to slip into the Anything They can do I can do Better attitude.

Is it insecurity? Is it the desperate desire to please our partner? Each submissive is going to have a different answer, but I believe that if a dominant knows that competition could influence their submissive's choice as to when or if to use their safeword, it may be prudent for them to address the issue before the situation presents itself.

If a submissive is taken beyond their tolerance level and doesn’t safe word it can affect the level of trust between the parties. The submissive can become resentful of the dominant, believing the dominant is pushing them too far. The dominant becomes leery of the submissive, not trusting their ability to communicate their limits. When trust begins to break down, the rest of the relationship is almost guaranteed to fail.

It seems to me that rather than assuming both parties are on the same page in regards to the usage of safe words that perhaps a discussion about the dominant’s expectations of appropriate use should take place prior to playing.

Asking your submissive if they have ever used their safe word before is likely not going to be enough. Ask them to tell you the circumstances, and then ask them to tell you the result. Ask if there have been times when they regretted using it, or regretted not using it. Listen to the answers, to how they explain, what their tone of voice is.

It may be that your submissive knows exactly what a safe word is but has never used it appropriately, at least appropriately in your view. It may be that your submissive is terrified to call that little three letter word. It may be that you need to help them get past that fear, or introduce a warning word that will alert you that you are getting close to their tolerance level. Perhaps you will have to address feelings they have of being too wimpy and not ‘strong enough’ to take what you can dish out.