A BDSM relationship is like any relationship. We tend to talk about BDSM as if it were a thing apart. Honesty, trust and open communication are often discussed as pertaining to the lifestyle. Yet how many people in the lifestyle are open and honest with a Dom or sub, while not telling their respective spouses? Are they really open and honest people? Does honesty only matter within regards to a BSDM relationship or do all relationships benefit from it?

There are a million reasons (some would call them rationalizations) for not being honest with your significant other. They wouldn't understand. You've tried talking to them, but it's like talking to a wall—they just don't get it. You're scared they'll become violent or leave, and you can't afford to support the children on your own. There are many reasons people keep secrets from those they love (or those they once loved). It's not honest, but it happens. What do you do when you become involved in such a relationship, and what are the "ethics" of it?

Lest you think I'm judging people, let me assure you that I've been there myself. When I first discovered BDSM, a long, long time ago, it was online. I had always been a dominant, had always loved to hear women beg, but I didn't understand that it was part of something larger. That changed on the IRC, when I met a slave and her Master. I learned a lot from those two—owe them quite a debt, for they helped forge the person I have become.

That Dom shared his girl online with me, and I learned. I made a lot of mistakes too. But I didn't tell my then-wife what was going on. Hell, I didn't understand it myself, not at that point, so how the hell was I going to tell my wife? It didn't stop me from bringing what I'd learned to that relationship. As it turned out, my wife was quite the bedroom submissive, no real surprise, considering who she was married to, but it still surprised me when she begged a collar, even if it was only for sex play. It surprised me even more that the collar she chose said slave on it. She wasn't a slave in the pure sense of the word, but she was a sex slave in the bedroom, which was a good start. Still, I continued my online experimentation without telling her.

Why, if she was my slave, would I do that? Didn't I owe her honesty? Sure I did.

But my wife was insecure to begin with. She got jealous if I watched a porno movie. She was probably the most jealous woman I'd ever been with. In those early days (and for quite some time actually) I was like a kid in a candy store. The power had gone to my head, and I couldn't get enough. I am not proud to say I hurt a number of women (including my wife when she eventually found out). I won't say it cost me the marriage. The marriage had other issues, as many on her side as mine, some of which I didn't even know about until after it was over, but the point is, I did lie to her, or at least, I kept the truth from her, which in my book isn't much better.

I had a million rationalizations. If she found out, she'd want to leave and didn't have an income. If she left, there would be no one to support her daughter. I was not only responsible for my wife, but for her little girl as well. I couldn't bring myself to walk away and leave them stranded, even after I'd long since resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't at all happy with the relationship. So here I am, writing a column, teaching about BDSM in my online club, preaching honesty, when I myself am not honest. What gives?

Honesty is a goal. We're all human and we all have weaknesses and strengths. We aspire to be honest (at least I'd like to think that's the case), but it's not always easy and sometimes, we think, it's not possible.

I didn't tell my wife, but when she found out about one of my online girls, I was already too deep to break it off, and I didn't. My wife eventually did move out, I paid altogether too much child support for a couple of years (by choice, not court-ordered), and finally, she found herself a job and managed to sort herself out. But I had lied. I prided myself on telling the truth to those in BDSM relationships, but I'd lied to my wife. What kind of hypocrite was I?

It's not as uncommon as you might think. The truth is an elusive beast at best. But what do you do if you run into someone online or in real life, who is already in a relationship, and they're not willing to tell their partner? Is that something you should be a part of? Is that something you want to risk? Even if you're morally okay with it, if you care about your partner, are you willing to except the consequences if the affair is discovered?

Even as a Dom who has been with women who are in committed relationships, I say that's a decision for the other person to make. They know their situation better than you do. You don't have to be a part of it, but if that is what they need, they'll find it with someone else anyway. At least you can encourage them to speak to their partner, or work toward a more honest and open solution. At the very least, you should sit them down and make them think about the possible consequences, and consciously accept the responsibility for what happens if their infidelity is discovered. Or, if the ethics of the situation strikes you wrong, you can walk away.

I've noticed a double standard for a long time. There are Doms who will respect the property of other Doms, but not the wives of men who aren't Doms. Is this a form of hypocrisy? I'm not sure I'm willing to say, since I make that same distinction myself, but it's certainly a thought to roll around in your mind.

What are you doing? Who are you doing it with? What will be the consequences if it goes public and are you willing to pay them? Can your partner afford that price?

Before entering into this gray area, these are the questions you should be asking. The answer, as always, you'll have to find on your own.