Gender/Orientation: Fem Top/Domme, mostly straight, definitely not narrow!

Location: Lake Forest, CA (South Orange County, California)

Years involved in D/s and/or BDSM:
30 years if counting getting interested in college; since 1997 with more active participation online and in the local community. My first real-time interaction as a Domme was in 1998, my first play party (a benefit at 665 [an LA dungeon now long gone]) in 1998, my first munch also in 1998. I began hosting that munch in 1999 and continue to do so to date (held every 3rd Saturday of the month).

Anything else you wish to share?
I am best known now for my Southern California events posting service which I provide to the BDSM community at large. While my focus is local events and groups, my distribution is nationwide, if not international. Every week I collect and repost out events and information of interest to the Los Angeles & Southern California pansexual/heterosexual bdsm community. For most discussion lists, I create a weekly digest form that summarizes all the events for that week & weekend. I do this all on my own time/resources and am very happy to continue to do so.

I like shopping and finding “pervertables” in the oddest of places. Home Depot, 99-Cent Store, Disneyland, Bed Bath & Beyond – I’ve found something everywhere! Then there are the “deals” – finding something at a deep discount that elsewhere is way more expensive.

Do you believe in safe words and limits? What are your personal limits?
My personal limits (other than the usual scat, children, and non-human pets) are:
- Am I getting tired? If I’m tired, I can’t play effectively or make appropriate decisions.
- Do I feel well enough to play? I have certain medical conditions that can affect my daily wellbeing and those have to be taken into consideration. Again, if I’m unwell, I can’t play effectively or make appropriate decisions.
- What is the welfare/condition of my play partner? Regardless of what was told to me in negotiating or what I’m being told in scene, I have to impartially observe and make the appropriate decision if need be. Reactions in scene may not always be accurate, esp. if the play partner is in deep sub space.

What's your favorite target?
The entire body! Skin is a marvelous sensory organ and it covers the entire body. Play doesn’t always have to be of the impact sort and one doesn’t have to be constrained to only one body area or another. I love confusing the brain – wait, what’s happening where?

What percentage of your strokes is off target? HA! (JOKE!!!!)
Practice makes perfect – or rather, the ratio of “oops” to “ahhh” drops dramatically. I find I make more “oops” when I’m tired or not feeling my best – then it’s time to stop that and do something else or rest.

What do you get the most pleasure from in a session?
The reactions of my play partner. <grin> When it’s a good scene, I’m grinning from ear to ear and am floaty afterwards. I guess it’s kind of a signature for me too – friends who watch can tell when I’m having fun. Every sigh, moan, squeak fuels that “feeling good”.

Are rituals part of your relationship? If so, can you tell us about some of them?
I have few rituals (or so I think) in my present D/s relationship. However, there is one that we do every time we’re together: he pledges himself to me, not only for the time we are together, but for all time. It’s a continual renewal of his commitment to me and my acceptance of his devotion and service. This really sets the mood & tone of our time together, whether we physically scene or not.

To what degree is your relationship BDSM OR D/s (or both)? All the time, part of the time, weekends only, etc. Please elaborate.
This is a good question. LOL! Because the answer surprises so many here in my local community.

I am life partnered with a Top/Dom – a two Top couple. Many find this a surprising or unusual configuration. We live together, but we do not scene or switch with one another. However, we live/breathe BDSM because outside of work, this is our chosen “family” and social set.

Our interpersonal relationship interactions are more “vanilla” because we’re people first before BDSM. Getting too “toppy” really annoys the other and we respect one another too much to try to actively Dominate. We’ll tease one another mercilessly, but respect it when “enough” is called. The thing is, we respect each other’s skills & insights as Dominants and we wouldn’t be partners if we didn’t.

As for my D/s relationship with my submissive, that’s constrained by his real-time life commitments & obligations, as well as my respect for them. So outside our scheduled physical time together, we are in contact by regular telephone calls and emails. That being said, his time with me/us is a big “scene” which lasts the entire time he’s here. It doesn’t matter if we go to the dungeon for a workout or if all we do is go to the movies and I cook dinner afterwards. Just being with me is his “scene” and not being able to be with me just prolongs the “agony” for him of being apart from me.

How important is it that dominants have some sort of personal experience or perspective of what they ask of their submissive to endure/perform?
To be honest, I don’t know. I have to respect it when others tell me they don’t have a submissive bone in their body and they don’t need a submissive experience to be a good Dominant. But it’s hard for me to fathom completely since I started out on the submissive side and transitioned to my Dominance.

Sometimes I do wish that Male Doms would experience being a submissive and learn to serve someone. It’s not all about being a physical bottom, but the mindset & attitude.

When serious anger occurs directly related to something pertaining to your submissive, how do you feel it should be dealt with?
Oh my, ROFL! <grin> First, do NOTHING, nada, zip, zilch. Do NOT do anything hastily or in reaction – lest one does something to regret at long leisure later.

Second, release the anger – talk it out with someone else, get physical elsewhere (a pillow, bed or punching bag is good), write it up in a journal or letter (but don’t send it!). Then talk it out some more. Get a grip.

Third, think it through and analyze what happened & why. Seek one’s own involvement in the incident – most often, I find that it’s MY own action/assumptions or unspoken expectations that are at fault rather than my submissive’s. He can’t read my mind and if I haven’t communicated effectively or not at all, how can he be at fault?

This is the perfect time to find one’s basic assumptions & expectations as well as those of the other person. Anger, to me, is what happens when my boundaries get pushed or stepped on. My boundaries are often unconscious/unspoken and rather than react in anger, I’d rather figure out why I’m angry and fix whatever it is that triggered the anger. If that means acknowledging my own omission or action, so be it. It can also mean learning where my assumptions run into someone else’s assumptions – then we get to define/negotiate that area so as to prevent any future incidents.

Usually this works and sometimes it takes a LOT of inner work and time. I think the end result is greater personal growth and understanding of the Self in relationship to/with others.

What does being a dominant mean to you personally?
It means being willing to take on the responsibility to act responsibly and be accountable. Sounds circular, eh? But think on it – everyone talks about honor, trust, respect, etc., following with the endless discussions about how to define those concepts. As if those concepts are unique to the kink culture & lifestyle. Well, acting responsibly & being accountable basically sums all that up for me, whether in this lifestyle or elsewhere.

Do you believe a D/s relationship should be symbiotic, or is it all about your needs?
It’s symbiotic for sure – my needs would not get met if I weren’t aware of the needs/wants of my submissive & ensured they are met. If a submissive isn’t happy, they can & do walk out to find a situation where they will be happy[er].

What are your personal views on the dynamics of D/s? How important is negotiation for you?
It’s all about the negotiations! LOL! And negotiations are mostly about clarifying the terminology and dialogue to make sure everything is clear and understood by all parties involved.

For example, when I’m negotiating a scene with someone new to me, I have to know how HE defines “hard play” vs. how my definition or knowledge how I play. More often, I’m finding that my definition of “hard play” is way harder than anyone else’s, except for a very few.

How did you enter the BDSM world? OR ... What personal experience(s) led you to the BDSM lifestyle?
Let’s see – I read Story of O back in college as well as the Gor novels and got all wet, hot & bothered. However, my choices in partners & social set then didn’t give me room to explore those feelings or were misunderstood for lack of common ground. Still, that didn’t stop me from trying to enact what I’d been reading – just means my efforts were often misunderstood or taken for granted.

In my second marriage, we were experimenting with bondage to spice up our bed life. We switched back & forth because we wanted to please one another and it was fun. However, there were no overt D/s dynamics.

After the divorce, I had the freedom then to explore my interests more fully for myself. It was then that I discovered I wasn’t happy being submissive – my needs & wants were not being met and I needed to take charge of my life to get them. I needed to deconstruct my then current attitudes/concepts and reconstruct new ones as a Dominant. It was very scary and it wasn’t easy. And I’m still building & learning!

At the time, I didn’t know where to look in my local area, so I started exploring online in the IRC chat channels. I was so very lucky to find people who were real and I could safely ask questions and explore becoming a Dominant. Some of those people continue to be good friends to this day and are part of my extended family. It is totally amazing to me how the friendships grew and continue to grow after all these years.

In addition to my online BDSM activities, I was active in the local poly community and there’s some crossover there. So I met a couple of kinky poly people who were gracious enough to help me explore and introduce me to parts of the local BDSM community. I am forever grateful to them for their friendship and mentoring.

What do you feel sets you and your practice/pursuit of the BDSM lifestyle apart from others?
I’m a unique individual with my own viewpoints and needs/wants. As such, it all differentiates me from everyone else.

How would you approach (WOULD you approach...) or deal with a vanilla acquaintance who was curious about BDSM and What It Is That We Do?
My first question would be “Do you really want to know? Because if you do and I share, there is no way to UN-know or UN-hear what I’ve said.” Most people back off at that point. But if someone is really sincere in their curiosity, then I’ll share a bit about WIITWD. I also try to couch things in language/concepts that parallel their mindset or experience, i.e., business concepts, sports, military, etc. Making that connection with something they already know/understand helps them make that leap into acceptance (hopefully, usually).

That being said, I’ve been cautious about sharing with those in my immediate acquaintance or family. My lifestyle is NOT for their amusement and the events I choose to attend and my friends are not there for their prurient entertainment. I’m not going to introduce just anyone because they are simply curious or find me/my interest(s) fascinating and a change from their otherwise humdrum existence.

Do you think long term couples should continue to adhere to limits and safewords or should they work to eliminate them?
I think couples or anyone else work to find their comfort level(s) with one another, whatever that may be. For some, that means utter trust and no safewords. Others may wish to refine the safeword structure to suit their style.

How important is scening within the parameters of your relationship?
For me and my submissive, the time we spend together is like an extended scene no matter what we do. BDSM scening is his release of pent up emotions and tensions, much like a good massage or other physical activities such as sports. Other less physical scenes such as massaging my feet, helping with housekeeping or chores, all feed his need to be of service and feeling included/accepted. Everything done with me supports his sense of belonging and devotion.

So when I schedule a less physical weekend, he’s happy to be able to spend time with me in a more relaxed mode. And when it’s party time, he’s also eager for the fun & games. It’s all good!

What do you feel is the single, most important thing for any new dominant to learn (or observe, explore, share) when entering into this lifestyle? Can you give us an example of one of your first learning experiences?
1) Get Thee off the computer and out of the house! Find the local clubs/groups and meet people. Online activity is only one tool and generally the beginning of the Path. Online activity is mostly in the head/mind and the reality of the scene is WAY different in the flesh – sight, scent, sounds, and sensation canNOT be reproduced effectively online.

While starting online can be a good thing, understand that what works there in the chat channels will probably NOT work offline in the real world. This includes expectations, protocols and etiquette. Different milieus, differences everywhere. Bodies & emotions don’t act/behave the same in real life as in written word. Be aware, understand and adapt. Do that and it’s impossible to go wrong. Make assumptions, then toes get stepped on and brick walls appear fast.

2) It’s all about the learning & practicing. Everyone makes “oops” and steps on toes. It’s how one forgives & learns from mistakes made that makes the Dominant. Everything else said below is pretty much simply spells out how/where to find learning opportunities.

3) Observe, observe, observe. Watch how people interact – learn the “rules of the [local] road”.

4) Go to every presentation/demo available. If there’s nothing local, look for weekend events elsewhere – most can be very affordable and the experience of others’ insights and actions can be invaluable in learning.

5) Read as many books on the topic as possible. Read stuff that may not be immediately applicable – such learning is never wasted.

6) Ask questions! Then shut up & listen to the answers. One will always get answers, all sorts of answers – the information may be surprising.

7) Understand that a lot of the process is in making new friends, entering a new/different social set & community – it’s not a solo quest. Mentors and friends will appear in the most unlikely places/times – don’t turn away from the unexpected.

8) Realize that all the life learning one has to date is relevant – skills & knowledge are transferable & usable across the board. It’s up to the person to figure out how to use them.

9) Real life first! Pay the bills, attend to family, ensure your future history (health, livelihood, retirement, etc.). Yes, get involved in the BDSM community, but take care of business first. Keep a balance in your interests. And if necessary, take time away as needed – the community/lifestyle will still be here.

10) Lastly, HAVE FUN!!! If it’s NOT fun, why do it???

My First BDSM Experience(s): Online in the IRC chat channels is where I started my BDSM explorations. I learned a LOT from my online friends – mostly about attitudes, terminology/language, use of protocol/etiquette. Then I went to my first local munch and saw that everyone was simply “real people” – not that much different than me!

Once I started finding local people and community, I focused more and more of my time/resources to involving myself offline and less time online chatting. It was all very scary indeed! My first party was a big eye-opener! So were my first scenes as well as my first time with a real-time submissive man.

One of my earliest experiences was privately with a couple and I remember wanting to “rescue” her from being topped because she was so congested from crying in scene. It was all so very different than being an online Domme! Real sounds/scents/sensations – real people, real whips, real life!

Ultimately, I attended workshops & demos, munches & socials. I talked to people. I read books. I experimented. Most importantly, I got out & about as much as I possibly could. Some of my closest friends today come from those early efforts as we were all learning together as well as socializing. I made mistakes, apologized, learned and moved on.

The rest is ongoing – it never stops!

I want to thank Kayla Kuffs and The Dominant's View e-zine for providing this forum and opportunity to share something about me, my thoughts and my lifestyle. I’ve enjoyed the process and experience very much.

I most especially want to thank my partner, Bryan, my submissive, Steve, and all my friends, both online and local (you know who you are!), who have been true friends in all the best ways – providing love, feedback, support and the occasional “bitch slap” as needed. I love you all!!!