It can become second nature to us to take on these roles without thought of the personal consequences. The slow erosion of the amount of attention and time given to our own subs or slaves can go unnoticed by us but not by them.

As we preach about communication and honesty we often are wearing rose coloured glasses within our own D/s relationships and in effect devaluing ourselves in their eyes and rightfully so. Unfortunately getting too comfortable within our own BDSM and D/s world can fool us into assuming comfortable means stable. In reality we as dominants have as much to lose as we have to gain by mentoring and guiding others.

When our submissives or slaves listen to the wise words we impart upon the newbies, both submissive and dominant, and are not being treated as we dictate is correct, they may be looking at us through eyes that see dishonesty. Do we really want to put them in a position of having to find a mentor or guide to help them understand what happened in their own world to turn it upside down?

Other aspects to consider are the sheer exhaustion one experiences when taking on the responsibility of one that is not meant to become ours. Untangling the difficulties they get themselves into happens more often than not. Repeating ourselves over and over again as the information they crave so much goes in one ear and out the other. Watching them move forward with the proverbial rose coloured glasses perched jauntily upon their noses is truly tiring and can take up more time than it is worth. Yet the draw is undeniable when there is success and we know we have a small part in a safe journey into our world.

Mentoring and guiding can be a positive within the scope of where we wish to go with those we already own though.

Being cognizant of the external dynamics added to our internal world can actually strengthen rather than weaken what we have already established. Encouraging the verbal or active participation of a submissive or slave under our control to assist in the mentoring not only adds to their self esteem but allows them to feel more a part of us. Valued for their knowledge which was gained through us also confirms the knowledge base that we are imparting to others.

The realities of being a mentor or guide for those of us in relationships are significantly different than it is for dominants with no one under them. It would behove consideration.

The same applies for playing with submissives or slaves that are peripheral from our own relationships. Once again we in the lifestyle often give opportunities of play to those who are not owned or through other dominants.

Sceneing at play parties is one very common avenue where we dominants will whip and bind others while our submissives or slaves sit on the sidelines craving the attention they had expected to enjoy through the relationship now established with us. Insecurities in body image or physical abilities are magnified as they watch what they perceive as eye candy under our whips. If there is any insecurity of their importance to us they will be further threatened by this new play partner and any appearance of a flirtation or erotic moments.

If we play harder with the new submissive or longer or more often we set up real or perceived scenarios where our own toys wonder how important they really are to us. Believe it or not, over time, we take a very real chance of having those we have chosen to own of emotionally distancing themselves from us as their eyes begin to wander for a more compatible play partner or life partner to satisfy the needs that originally brought them to us.

Let us look at one particular scenario as an example:

You and your submissive spend the early evening dressing up in your fetish gear, helping each other with buckles and ties. Laughing and getting into the mood for play you begin to taunt your submissive with the possibilities of what you may or may not subject them to in a public venue.

Your submissive begins to feel the desires for pain and pleasure at your hand. You are in sync with each other. Both on the same path as memories of previous plays heighten anticipation.

You have your submissive pack all of your favourite toys and with each one lovingly put into the bag he or she feels your power. Revels in it and anticipates it. You watch them without appearing to do so. Your pride in the one you own is not lost on you or on them as your eyes meet.

The leather collar buckled securely in place around their throat is the final act before leaving home to enjoy an event both have waited all month for.

The venue is packed with kinksters and the equipment is full as you place your name in the line up for your favourite piece. Leaving your submissive to watch for your choice of equipment to be empty you wander off to chat with friends. Once in awhile your eyes drift back to your toy to be sure they are obeying. Both you and your submissive feel your domination simply through this order and the obedience of carrying it out. You are still on the same page.

Another Domme comes up to you saying that she must leave early but had promised to play with “new sub” and hates to disappoint someone that has been counting on the play experience for hours. She asks you to take her place in fulfilling this fantasy. Being friends you don’t even hesitate to say yes as you know she would do the same for you. Not even a thought to the expectations and hopes of your own submissive. After all you are life partners. He will accept and be happy…after all he belongs to you and will obey endure and be happy!

You see the piece of equipment you are slotted for becoming available and return to your submissive with the new sub at your side. Picking up your toy bag you explain in an off handed way that you will play with this submissive now and him later in the night. A shadow of a smile touches his lips but not his eyes. You don’t even notice.

Your play with the new sub is beautiful to watch. The touch of your hand on his body as you secure him to the spanking bench would appear to be erotic to anyone watching even though your mind is more on reassurance than anything else. As each cuff is secured to the bench the scene sets itself for whatever will come. There is no special connection on your part but your fluid motions and seriousness do not belie this fact. Both your audience and the new submissive are captivated by the energy that surrounds you both.

You grow into a long drawn out scene from the softest of sensations to the distribution of enough pain mixed with pleasure to cause moans and grunts to escape the lips of the one on the bench. His fantasies are beginning to be formed around you as your submissive feels alone and so obviously so sitting quietly and unnoticed on a chair on the sidelines.

Forty-five minutes has passed before you look up and catch the eyes of the DM. A signal is passed to you that it is time to wind down the scene. You motion for your submissive to approach and take care of the toys and wiping down the bench as the new sub is released from his bondage. His thank yous are profuse as he stumbles with your assistance back to the friends he came with. Not once have you thought of the reality that you have your own submissive who is feeling the loss of the expectations you had encouraged earlier in the evening. The needs of a friend replaced the needs of your own toy.

Once again you book a piece of equipment and as luck will have it less than thirty minutes later you are tying your own submissive to the cross. Blindfolded and gagged once again content and desirous of your touch that will take him from hell to heaven and back again. You whisper your need to hurt him with your own brand of pleasure giving as you wrap your hand in the long hair at the base of his neck. His moan is sincere his need apparent. The flogger begins to fall upon his back and with each stroke he gets closer and closer to sub space but the venue is now over crowded and the time allowed on equipment has been halved. You are barely into the scene and nowhere near where he needs to go when you feel a tap on your shoulder indicating it is time to wrap it up…and you are asked to do so quickly.

Any emotional connection between you and your sub has been broken as you take him down from the cross. He hides his disappointment as his mind goes to the fabulous scene he watched you play out with another such a short time ago. This is not the first time he has been put at the end of your dance card. Actually it happens at every event.

Over time the re-enactment of play with others over play with our own will affect our own relationships. Building this reality into our BDSM expectations can work out successfully…or not! It’s all in the delivery folks!