Do you believe in safe words and limits? What are your personal limits?

Safe words are absolutely needed for casual play. I insist that all bottoms I play with have one, even though I watch and listen for anything that indicates a need to stop or slow down. Unless they prefer another, I use the standard party safewords.

They are especially necessary for various roleplay scenes, where Stop and NO! don’t really mean that. In a long-term relationship I can see that safe words might become superfluous, but they would still be there. As an absolute fail-safe, they ensure that things stay consensual. I can’t remember the last time someone I was playing with actually used “RED” or “Safeword”. That doesn’t mean I don’t play hard; it means I pay attention.

Many people I have played with get so far gone into subspace that they cannot speak, much less use a safeword. So I also feel that it is irresponsible to depend on a safeword to stop play if it gets too extreme. It is the responsibility of the Dominant to know where that line is with each bottom.

Everyone has limits. Some can be pushed, with proper trust and negotiation. Some must not. Anyone who says they don’t need to respect another’s limits is a sociopath, not a Dom. Anybody that says they have no limits isn’t thinking clearly. Or, they mean that they have selected their partner because they share the same hard limits, and they need have no other limits.

My hard limits are no minors, drugs, scat, no dead people real or pretend, no permanent damage, no marks on the face, or anything likely to get me (us) arrested.

Safe sex only, unless in a fluid bonded relationship. Not going to play with animals myself, but if you already have a furry playmate I wouldn’t make you take him to the pound. There is a lot of other stuff I’m not interested in, but might negotiate. There is a lot of fetishy stuff that is too boring, or too expensive, for me to expend resources on.

What's your favorite target?

For impact play, the ass. For other types of play, mainly breasts and genitals. That’s favorite target, not only target…

What do you get the most pleasure from in a session?

The energy exchange. When it is going right, we feed off of each other’s energy, and we both ride the wave of her sensations. When it’s really going right, we might even get to an animalistic state together, growling and roaring and screaming. I’ve heard that called “letting the beast out”. I like that description.

Are rituals part of your relationship? If so, can you tell us about some of them?

One simple ritual has become nearly universal for me. At the start of a private scene, or her arrival to spend some time, she is told to strip and kneel. I raise her eyes to meet mine, and ask her, why are you here? The answer is, “To submit, and to be used for your pleasure, Sir.” Then the play collar and cuffs are locked on.

Other rituals have been part of particular relationships, but that is the only one that is fairly constant.

Where does sex fit in with your opinions of BDSM - D/s?

Sex is good. It fits in everywhere that it is possible. I believe that the instinctual roots of male dominance are tied up with sex. I do have some play partners that I don’t have sex with, for various reasons, but I prefer in most cases to include everything, and the sex acts I choose always have some dominant aspect.

I don’t understand those who make a blanket statement that sex has no place in BDSM. Whatever trips their trigger is fine, but they needn’t extend their opinion to others.

That said, BDSM is also not just about sex.

Do you believe in 24/7 D/s? Why?

This is a matter of semantics. I believe it is possible, yes. I also believe that the popular fantasy of 24/7 kept in a cage or kneeling in chains is at best extremely unrealistic. 24/7 is an attitude, not an action.

How important is it that dominants have some sort of personal experience or perspective of what they ask of their submissive to endure/perform?

I think it’s important that a Top have some idea of what the toys feel like, compared to each other, i.e. how stingy, how thuddy, how intense, how likely to mark. I think it does little good to endure a flogging from someone else. Unless the Top is actually also a masochist, the feelings will not be relevant to what a masochist feels, and therefore of little use. He will have no idea how the force used by someone else relates to the force he might use.

For when it comes right down to it, what does it matter how it feels to the Top? What matters is how it feels to the bottom! And every bottom will feel it differently. The best way to determine that is to maintain communication, whether verbal or non-verbal, both during and after the scene.

Do you believe a D/s relationship should be symbiotic, or is it all about your needs?

Symbiosis goes with power exchange; both parties get something. The other alternative is parasitic.

First you have to differentiate between needs, and wants or desires. Needs are those things we must have to live with an acceptable level of health and happiness. Needs should be mutual; both parties must have their needs met.

No, it’s not all about my desires. If a sub isn’t getting enough of what they need or desire out of a relationship, they won’t stick around. It’s a nice fantasy though.

If I paid no attention to what their needs or desires were, I would in effect be limited to those subs whose requirements happened to exactly match mine. This is where the advance negotiations come in. Could I ever find such a sub? Maybe. Will I insist on all of that or nothing? No I won’t. I will look for a good match; there are some things I don’t compromise on, some that I do.

And inevitably, life and living it gets in the way of doing exactly what you desire at all times. There are, after all, bills to pay, and family obligations.

But – when it comes down to what decision to make, my opinion is what counts. I listen, but I decide. It’s going to be a monarchy, not a democracy, and she will need to desire that. To be compatible for more than play, that will have to be one place where our desires match.

What are your personal views on the dynamics of D/s? How important is negotiation for you?

As mentioned, it’s a power exchange; one kind of power is traded for another kind of power, control is exchanged for responsibility. Submission is exchanged for dominance, none of this gift crap. A gift is something given without expectation of anything in return.

Negotiation is a key to this lifestyle. Because of the emphasis on negotiation, each relationship begins with communication about shared needs, goals, and values, rather than finding them out by trial and error later on. This emphasis also helps to ensure that communication is an ongoing process.

Learning how to negotiate has been one of the most important skills I have acquired as well as the one where I feel I have the most yet to learn.

What are your feelings on slave contracts?

They can serve to solidify the principles of a D/s relationship, representing the results of the negotiation. As such they can be an important symbol for that relationship. To believe that they have any validity beyond the personal level is silly.

I have not been in a relationship as of yet that used a slave contract. I do often use signed play agreements, as both a symbol and as a fallback to demonstrate consent, should that ever be necessary.

How did you enter the BDSM world? OR ... What personal experience(s) led you to the BDSM lifestyle?

I got a cowboy outfit for my 6th birthday; it included a lasso. For the next few years I tied up most of the neighborhood girls as part of various games. For my 8th birthday I got a tent. It got set up around a big tree in the backyard every summer, and many of the games moved inside it, where things could get a little more intimate, involving removal of some outer clothing and some tickling and such.

That kind of play ended with puberty; moods changed, it got a bit too real for some, especially the girls. My favorite playmates moved away; it was suddenly quite awkward to suggest it to new ones. I put it aside for many years, but I always wanted to do certain things I figured would get me branded as a pervert if I got found out. The reactions from the partners to whom I actually suggested some rope play pretty much validated that line of thinking.

Unfortunately I did not live anywhere that kink was acceptable enough for it to be in any way public. It was getting onto the Internet, as it was for so many people, that finally allowed me to find out there was a huge quantity of people out there who felt exactly as I did. It was an epiphany.

That coincided with a period of introspection after the end of a long-term relationship; I began to realize what had always been missing from my relationships, and why I had a tendency to pick partners that were really not suitable. I made the decision to thoroughly explore the fantasies I had denied for so long. And now, here I am.

How would you approach (WOULD you approach...) or deal with a vanilla acquaintance who was curious about BDSM and What It Is That We Do?

I have done; usual approach would be to point them to a few good educational web sites, and loan them books. Then, once they have absorbed enough to realize their interest is real and something to be pursued, invite them to a munch. If said acquaintance was a single female, a somewhat more personal approach might well be followed… ;)

How important is sceening within the parameters of your relationship?

Very; I don’t do vanilla anymore, if there is to be a relationship it will include bondage and some S-M play at least. It needn’t necessarily include play in party settings, but it will if possible. I would rather have a S-M scene without sex, than sex without the S-M.

What do you feel is the single, most important thing for any new dominant to learn (or observe, explore, share) when entering into this lifestyle? Can you give us an example of one of your first learning experiences?

The most important thing to learn right from the first is Responsibility. The Dominant is responsible for ensuring the safety and the consensuality of the play, and the physical and emotional well-being of the submissive. A dominant that blames his partners for failures is not a dominant, just a user.