Do you use toys? If so, what is your favorite toy, and why?
Toys? Of course. I don’t think I have a favorite toy. I have a horsehair flogger that I like a lot, it can be very sensual but it also has a nasty bite to it, depending on how I use it. I’m also fond of my sjambok and my five-fingered-cane. I have a scourge I made that I like as well as a pile of paddles, canes and rods. What I don’t have is any thud-toys like floggers.
I like knives and candles. And, of course, rope if that can be regarded as a toy. I started with jute rope but have more or less shifted to hemp rope.

Do you believe in safe words and limits? What are your personal limits?
No, I don’t believe in safe words. I believe that doms have a duty to subs or slaves to do them no harm and to keep them safe and secure. My laciee actually does have a safe-word: “uncle,” but she swears she’ll never holler it.
I think limits can never be carved in stone; they can change any time depending on the progression of the relationship of which they are a part and the growth of the persons to whom they apply. When I was a child, I said I would never eat spinach; now spinach is my favorite vegetable.

What's your favorite target?
As in what do I like to hit most? Butts, boobs, crotch, backs of shoulders, thighs, take your pick. In one way or another, every part of the body can be a target.

What percentage of your strokes are off target? HA ! (JOKE!!!!)
I’ve had my fair share of misses. Ask laciee.

What do you get the most pleasure from in a session?
Intimacy, the intimacy between laciee and myself. After four years together, we are pretty much in tune with each other and, when we do rope shows, that is the single thing that is always commented upon; the intimacy that is evident between us. Secondly, I’d say her pleasure and her head-space. I enjoy giving her that. Thirdly, from time to time I go into a sort of exhausted head-space too.

Where does sex fit in with your opinions of BDSM - D/s?
Sex doesn’t have to be part of BDSM, nor, for that matter, of D/s. I don’t know of many women who are not sexually aroused by BDSM activities however and it would depend on your definition of D/s whether or not sex is involved. For example, if one were merely a household slave, I wouldn’t expect them to be sexually aroused by cleaning the bathroom. I suppose it could happen though.

For us, D/s is the theme of our relationship and I feel that sex is a very important part of dyadic relationships. I suspect sex is one of the most important things in life, for without it, we’d be waving goodbye to our species.

Do you believe in 24/7 D/s?
Of course, that’s how we live.

To what degree is your relationship BDSM OR D/s (or both). All the time, part of the time, weekends only, etc. Please elaborate.
I don’t wander around the house all day in black leather and she doesn’t kneel naked all the time. We have kids so we can’t. D/s is both a state of mind and an ordering of priorities. Obviously, the children are our first priority. Our personal relationship comes next though our D/s is always part of our awareness of each other.

How important is it that dominants have some sort of personal experience or perspective of what they ask of their submissive to endure/perform?
I can’t say that it’s important, nor can I say it’s not. I don’t believe it’s essential. I have never been suspended yet I believe I have excellent empathy with laciee so I can always tell if she’s having trouble and I can usually tell what that trouble is. Observation, attention, and experience take care of that. Having her welfare constantly in mind takes care of that.

I spent three years subbing when I first began in the lifestyle so I actually have experienced much of what occurs. Does that make me a better dom? I don’t really know. I know that I do have some empathy though.

What is your definition of the power exchange between dom and sub?
Now here is a politically charged question. Power exchange can be anything from total micromanagement to something fairly loose such as the dom simply making the most important decisions. I suspect that the power in a relationship is less about who has or believes he has it than it is about needs. I’d say that the partner with the greatest need at any given time is the one with the power. Then again, if the other partner can fulfill that need, then that is power too. Is power unidirectional? Maybe the strength to create and maintain an intimate relationship that is fulfilling to both partners is the real power. And that would be one that can only be shared.

Even in relationships involving slavery, where, on the surface it would seem that the master had all the power and the slave none, we can draw a parallel.. One’s car is meant to be a servant or slave yet even a car has the power to require filling with gas or oil and other vital fluids, has the power to prevent one from doing what they intend to stop and change a tire, has the power to require one to have it repaired. Ultimately, I’d say that power exchange is a myth (or a mythnomer).

When serious anger occurs directly related to something pertaining to your submissive, how do you feel it should be dealt with?
First, I’d say that anger should be addressed in a D/s relationship the way it is in any other relationship: beat the crap out of her and throw her out in the rain. Wait, no, it should be dealt with in the way it is in any healthy relationship: with discussion and, usually, some sort of understanding or compromise. We have had our share of anger in both directions and that has always been what worked best for us.

Do you believe a D/s relationship should be symbiotic, or is it all about your needs?
I believe that for a dyadic relationship to be successful it should be symbiotic. Needs? Or wants? Even if it was about me getting my own way all the time and if she has a NEED to serve, wouldn’t that be symbiosis anyway? It may be that all relationships, including D/s ones, are symbiotic and that when symbiosis stops, relationships stop.

What are your feelings on slave contracts?
I don’t think they’re necessary and we don’t have one. But I do have a friend who is a lawyer who recommends having one because, while they have no real force in law, they can be used to indicate a state of mind should any legal questions regarding that relationship arise.

How did you enter the BDSM world? OR ... What personal experience(s) led you to the BDSM lifestyle?
I began as a sub. I’d had weird fantasies as a child like a lot of other folks in the lifestyle. Mine, I believe, related to very early childhood experiences, very few of which I actually remember though I have tiny fragments of memory from then. After three years of subbing, a domme I had and I traded places and found that our relationship improved immensely. I made a lot of mistakes back then in trying to sort the roles out. But I still make mistakes so . . . what can I say?

What do you feel sets you and your practice/pursuit of the BDSM lifestyle apart from others?
Everything we do and think.

We constantly see attempts at hard definitions of BDSM terms and practices. Those seem to me to be attempts at unifying understanding and at self-validation for the folks doing it. This often leads to people saying that if someone doesn’t do something in a prescribed manner then they are somehow not real. In other words, this leads to a tyranny of conformism. We live a lifestyle apart from the mainstream and ask only to be accepted as who and what we are. We don’t force our behaviors on the mainstream nor should we force our behaviors on others who are supposed to be our allies. We should embrace our differences and define our lives as we like them, tolerating differences we find in others.
We don’t compare and contrast. We are who we are without regard for the practices or pursuits of others.

How would you approach (WOULD you approach...) or deal with a vanilla acquaintance who was curious about BDSM and What It Is That We Do?
We answer the questions they ask honestly and openly. We offer additional information if they seem interested and don’t if they do not.

Do you think long term couples should continue to adhere to limits and safewords or should they work to eliminate them?
I think that, as a matter of course, safe-words and limits will dissolve as a relationship grows.

Some limits are limits not just in SM but in life, such as murder, incest and pederasty. However, many limits are limits because one or another partner finds those things humiliating. Now, humiliation is a tool that can be used in relationships to increase intimacy. Humiliation creates sensations of shame which usually come from conditioning in our upbringing. I think it is of value to eliminate shame from relationships whether it is done consciously or it is allowed to occur over time through exposure to one another. As we grow accustomed to experiencing these little shames and humiliations, they cease to be shameful or humiliating and contribute to the intimacy a couple shares.

How important is sceening within the parameters of your relationship?
In our relationship, sceening is very important. For us, sceening doesn’t require a dungeon or toys or anything else. It is an establishment and verification of our relationship to each other. Sure, we do go to the dungeon and use toys and so on for this. But we also do it at home in our private, intimate time. I suppose it’s the “acting out” part of our relationship that reaffirms who we are and keeps us from taking those things for granted and, in the long run, forgetting about them. Every-day life has a nasty way of intruding; this is our way of pushing it back.

What do you feel is the single, most important thing for any new dominant to learn (or observe, explore, share) when entering into this lifestyle? Can you give us an example of one of your first learning experiences?
Subs are people too.

It’s that simple. You see it all the time, new doms swagger into a chat-room, a munch, a dungeon acting like all the women are blank slates waiting for nothing other than to fulfill him. These arrogant new doms disregard that the subs present may or may not be in relationships or have likes and dislikes of their own or needs that they are looking to fulfill or personal histories that they need to overcome.

I guess it is equally important to remember is that “It’s Not About The Rope.” What I mean is, when people first try to learn shibari, they get absorbed by the rope and forget about the larger goal. So, in more general terms, It’s not about the toys or the handcuffs or flogging techniques. It’s about relationships and intimacy.