First, let’s look at the dictionary.com definition of ‘respect’ as a transitive verb which is the way it is used in our circles: ‘To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.’ Ok, I interpret this to mean respect is our choosing to honour someone ‘worthy’, that is someone we feel deserving of high regard.

Secondly, let’s look at the definition of the noun courtesy: ‘Polite behavior.’ This is the way we may act towards others.

Perhaps similar but I argue two different ways of thinking, although being courteous is naturally comcomitant with showing respect. However, one can be courteous without respecting the person to whom one is showing the ‘polite behavior’. I therefore state that respect is manifested internally and may be shown while courtesy must of necessity be shown externally to be recognized. That is, one may easily tell if another is being polite but one may not always tell whether they respect you or no.

Now, to whom should each be shown? Should we offer respect to all we meet?

I say no. I will be courteous to all I meet unless and until they are rude or nasty to me or to anyone around me.

Respect from me must be earned.

Respect for me is like trust: I do not trust everyone I first meet either. Respect and trust are both qualities that are tenuous and for me dependent on the other person’s actions. It is impossible for me to determine whether someone is indeed worthy of my respect at a glance or an introduction. Just because you have a great leather outfit on and are carrying a big flogger does not make you a good Dominant. In my opinion proffering ‘respect’ to everyone met demeans the very act, the gift if you will. It assumes that everyone is equally deserving of it and therefore in my opinion renders it meaningless. For example, if I was a Top I would find it insulting to be put on the same level as the reporter who dons a Dom cap for a single munch to determine how our microcosm of society works.

Even in our circles, are all deserving of respect? I again say no and would like to be given the opportunity to determine on whom I bestow my respect. Respect to me is of value or should be. Otherwise it is as meaningless as most conversation about the weather.

I have encountered and heard of some who call themselves Dom/mes, or Tops who no-one respects and for good reason. Should I address them as Sir/Ma’am? Maybe some think so but you could pull my tongue out before I would do so. I will add here that even those whom many do not consider deserving at this point may be in my eyes or may redeem themselves by their actions. I also respect many bottoms/submissives.

I do not follow the herd, never have and never will. I would also like to point out that if my Sir deems someone worthy of respect then I will follow his lead as I hold him in the highest estimation or I would not be with him. I respect those I find ‘distinct’ from others and who are admirable in their manner, their words, their actions.

So when you tell me I should ‘respect’ everyone I meet who calls him/herself a Top and that I should kowtow to anyone who chooses to call him/herself a Dom/me, please know I find your insistence demeaning to those who have demonstrated that they are indeed worthy of great regard.