In this writing I will pose a couple of questions and offer my answer with both factual and emotional information. This writing is from my point of view, a person who lived through the disabling and ultimately deadly disease of Diabetes.

My questions are:
• Does a dominant have a moral and/or ethical reason to maintain a D/s relationship with a submissive that is no longer able to serve?
• What happens when the dominant is now doing the submissive’s task (role reversal)
• What is the mind set of the dominant when this happens?
• What happened to my girls submissive spirit as this unfolded in her life?
• Compromise, change, negotiation, what took place?

Does a dominant have a moral and/or ethical reason to maintain a D/s relationship with a submissive that is no longer able to serve? To answer this question, one must first ask what is moral and ethical.

Morals are the basic laws we govern ourselves with. These laws are learned through parental, religious and social interactions throughout our lives. They can change and develop as we change and develop. Ethics, on the other hand, are not our own standards. Ethics are the standards usually put into place by group consensus. Ethics are born from the morals of those designing the ethical code. With that said, ethics can change and develop as the consensus changes and develops.

Since D/s is a relationship between individuals, the moral decision is up to the individuals and what they have developed into during their lives. From an ethical standpoint, a code of conduct does not exist, like medical code of ethics for instance. Therefore, if you have the moral foundation that says, yes, I would take care of someone no matter what, then you are going to do it. However, if your morals do not lead you in that direction, then you probably would feel like you have no reason to continue the relationship, and severing all ties would not upset your moral character. So, in answering the moral/ethical question, that person does not have an ethical, and possibly not even a moral responsibility.

With me the moral question was easy to answer, YES, I had a moral responsibility that would not falter. That is why it is so very important to know yourself and the other person/s you are getting involved with. I do not enter into a D/s relationship with closed eyes. I look into myself often and look at my morals. I check to see that I am living the life I must to live up to my own moral standards. It is not always easy to live up to the standards we set. Because of my standards, I have incurred tens of thousands of dollars in debt, and would without hesitation do it all over again. This brings me to another value I believe is one of the cornerstones to a D/s relationship… Honor.

During the course that a dominant and a submissive take, certain obligations are sometimes written, and other times these obligations are spoken, but without words, they are said through honor. I am of the belief that honor is as much part of my life as breathing.

I believe that an honorable life is the foundation that all who use the title Dom/Domme must have. To be known forever is eternal to be known forever as honorable is deific. For the dominant to fulfill the obligations that are cardinal to the dominant / submissive lifestyle, honor in all that the dominant does is paramount. If a submissive can not trust the dominant, if the submissive does not respect the dominant, or if the submissive does not see the dominant as honorable, the foundation needed for a BDSM relationship will be feeble at best.

When a submissive becomes the property of the dominant, either for something as brief as a scene, or as long as a lifetime, the dominant is ultimately responsible for the well being of the submissive. A dominant controls the actions of the submissive and must remain in control of his/her own actions as well.

The normal function of a submissive is to serve. What happens if the submissive cannot serve in the desired way? Pay strict attention to the word “cannot.” I have seen many “submissives” that will not submit. That is very different topic. My submissive would have given anything she could have ever had in this life to serve me. The attitude she had was of pure submission, possibly the purest I had ever seen in my life. I think that is why it hurt us both so much as her ability to serve left her. I often ask why truly special people lose the gift they are given. Beethoven lost his hearing. He truly loved what he heard. My girl loved to honor and obey more than she could say. For her it was truly her spirit.

If the fault of submission is a physical one should the dominant release the submissive? Should the dominant accept the submissive’s inability and give up some of what would normally be expected? What happens when the Master becomes the servant?

The answer for me is easy, but for others my path would seem an abomination to the very soul of a D/s relationship. I met my girl in June of 1999 and she was so naturally submissive it was unbelievable. Every cell of my submissive’s body was created to serve a Master. In the beginning, as in all beginnings, things were a little bumpy and corrections were made. Not just to her, but I too adjusted. I now had a 24/7, live-in submissive, as well as my 10 year old daughter living with me. So we worked out the family aspect, and started the most wonderful relationship a Master/sub could have.

My girl had class two diabetes and used insulin three times a day. Early into the relationship my girl was physically normal. No visible signs of any illness, nothing to even give the slightest speck of insight as to what was coming in our future. Before we met she did not follow the prescribed medical treatment. Her prior husband thought it was more important for him to have her paycheck than for her to have her medication.

The unseen damage done by this selfish act of a “man”, was not apparent then, but would become so as time went by. My girl slowly lost her sight, her ability to walk, to type, to hold utensils, to get herself out of bed. In the end, it was a horror for her that she would soil herself in the hospital and be deeply ashamed when other men (male nurses) would care for her. But I must digress here. Please understand the emotional aspect of this article is very difficult and makes it very dear to me and my heart.

The question “Does a dominant have a moral and/or ethical reason to maintain a D/s relationship with a submissive that is no longer able to serve?” It is easily seen that of course a dominant has a responsibility to a submissive. Unless the “Dom” is an insecure, self centered, weak person, which is, in my opinion, is not dominant material, the dominant person would do nothing less than take charge of the submissive’s needs and life, and do what needs to be done.

Soap box time – I have seen “doms” who are weak, abusive twits that find a submissive to simply bully him/her. The submissive spirit needs to serve and tries to no avail. They just get taken advantage of. A dominant is the captain of the ship, and the submissive is the crew. The ship goes where the captain wants, not because the ship listens to the mighty captain, but because the crew listens to the captain and follows the course laid out. If the crew is abused and confused and never feels security in the captain, the mightiest ship is nothing but a waste.

So what happens when the dominant is now doing the submissive’s task (role reversal)? For me, it was a time of honor and pride. At first I felt awkward. I am more than self-sufficient. I make good money, I am fully domesticated, and I can take care of just about any household repair. I do not need a submissive to take up the slack in my own character. (I am also a very good gourmet cook!) Therefore the loss of her involvement in daily chores was not that much of an issue. I have a submissive in my life because I enjoy the D/s relationship. The difficult aspect for me was when my girl hurt emotionally from not being able to serve. I felt the pain in her voice when I asked and she answered my questions like: could I make her a cold ice tea? or would she like me to get on the floor and rub her feet? (I knew the blood was not circulating well), or what would you like for dinner?

I do have to admit, when we went to functions I sometimes heard whispering of “Who is the dominant / sub in that relationship?” Normally, this would kill a Doms ego, but I have a strong awareness of myself.

So what is the mind set of the dominant when this happens? I would suggest it depends on the Dom. I do not need others to see me as Super Dom. I know who and what I am, and I know why I serve my girl. I also think it is important to know that service from a dominant is very different than being served by a submissive. A submissive serves the dominant out of respect and desire. I too served my girl out of respect and desire. However, I served her as her Master she served me as my submissive. Just what does that mean?

The attitude behind the service was totally different. She served by being humbled in my presence and in awe of me. She was proud to be seen with my collar and to be known as my property. I, on the other hand, served her as a pillar, proud in stature and sound in my direction. I often stood behind her and she sat in a chair, while other Doms sat and they where served by the subs. I stood tall and looked over at the other Doms in the room, and was at peace with the journey my girl and I were on. As with all things in life, the way we see things is in direct proportion to the eyes we see them with. I saw I was over my girl, and I was not concerned about what others perceived.

I think the saddest part of my girl’s disability was what happened to her submissive spirit as this unfolded in her life. As a wonderful dancer that looses her leg, a singer that becomes mute, or a surgeon that becomes blind, her spirit was challenged. One thing all who knew my girl said, was that she always smiled. She did, always. It was her spirit, so deep inside of her like a volcano of happiness erupting. She smiled. Being true to her nature to serve gave her the greatest joy. She was so proud to sit at my feet, to get my drink, to do my bidding. Anything I asked was not questioned; it was not seen as a chore or an inconvenience. It was seen by her as a way to serve her Master and to show respect. It was an opportunity to feed her own spirit as well.

As she could not serve, because of her body’s inability to move on its own, she began to “starve”. I helplessly watched this starving as it went on for a couple of years. To lose the ability to serve, the fuel of your soul to be taken from your life, but yet your flesh lives on. Such a simple thing, to want to go and get the Master a glass of water, but not even to be able to sit up on your own. Imagine if you will, the one pleasure that is greatest to you. Now, remove every possible way of receiving that pleasure and to know that it will never return and that as time goes on so does the anguish of the starvation you feel.

God in his wisdom made it so we could not see the scars of the soul because they are truly the most hideous. Through all of this however. my girl smiled and fought to be well. The day before she died, she smiled and said, “When I get over this please Sir take me dancing.” This was from a woman who no longer could walk to the bathroom.

Compromise, change, negotiation, what really took place?

Through all of this we did not compromise or change. I was her Master and she was very much my girl. We did not need to renegotiate our terms or contract. Like the captain on any voyage to new, uncharted waters, I plotted the course. I took control of all I could and relied on the crew, my girl, for the support that she gave. Also, as any person that has ventured on a new path can tell you, things are not always as you perceived them when you started the journey.

I thought service was an act to be carried out by the submissive without question. Service was done by direction on a purely physical level and no more. How wrong I was! It needs to be known that service is not only a physical service but true service is so much more. I can not explain it in words but true service comes from the heart, soul and body. As with any sense we as humans have, if one is lost due to accident or illness, the others heighten and become stronger. My girl lost her body. She never lost her heart or soul. In fact, they grew and served in ways the body never could. You may ask me to explain this and I can only say I was truly blessed to have known this type of service, one that most Doms will never know. It was a gift given from a submissive to her Master that was too sacred to be reduced into words.

In conclusion, I would like to say, “Thank you, my girl, for your teachings and the knowledge you gave me. You have served until you could serve no more, and then you served in ways I could not know were possible. For now, rest, and be it known that this man, Sir, dominant and Master, is humbled to have known you and will always honor you and be proud to call you his girl.

Sir Casak
Charles A. Sakelakos

A postscript:
I am now with another very special girl. She has helped me in ways that have given me insight into what love truly is. She has held me as I wept over the girl I lost, and has helped me with this article. She has touched me on even deeper levels I did not know I had in myself. As I continue my journey in life, this wonderful girl now stands next to me. I feel strong and convinced that she and I are on the right course in life. As a child I experienced many things and wondered, “God? Why so many lessons, so hard to complete with honor?” Now, as I look at my life and see where I am, I realize it was in preparation for what was to come. As for my girl now, she is a wonderful reward for a job well done!