A slave is like a seed--an unfulfilled potential. Unplanted she remains dormant, locked within natural boundaries, but with the right gardener she can grow. The gardener plants her, nurtures her, guides her, provides what’s needed. Different subs have different needs. Some need more water and light, others a higher altitude, some acidic soil. That’s why some subs flourish under one Dom, but not another. One Dom might be better at raising orchids, another is better with lavenders. I thought the analogy was an apt one, and it has since been one of my favorite things to quote.

Recently, however, I got to thinking about what she was really saying. The analogy as it stands shows a sub growing and flowering. I’ve seen many, many articles on how submissives grow under the tutelage of a Dom. I’ve seen precious little about how Doms grow. This led me to thinking in another direction, about my role as gardener. Sure it’s great to have a garden and enjoy the benefits of making things grow, but that says precious little about the changes I’ve been through. A person who has learned a lot about D/s from reading might be forgiven to think that subs grow and Doms stagnate. It’s time to set the record straight.

Sometimes it’s hard to see how I’ve grown as a Dom. In fact, it’s hard to see how I’ve grown as a person. I think subs have an advantage as they allow themselves to be guided, and in that sense, their limits are pushed by design. Doms have limits too, though we don’t often talk about them. There are things I don’t like and don’t do, and no one forces me to do them. However, I do force myself to do what I have to. I am in that way self-motivated. I don’t usually need outside intervention.

On the other hand, I also have a few bad habits. Well, decidedly more than a few, but I don’t need to list them all here. A couple to illustrate my point will suffice. Here’s one of them.

When I’m in pain or under pressure, I tend to lose my temper. Lots of people do, but that doesn’t make it right. Since I strive to be in control, using an excuse to lose control isn’t conducive to my growth. Yet once again, my sub is never going to bring up my temper. She does, however, react to it.
Let’s say I’m in a bad mood. My column was knocked back for a reason I don’t agree with or a royalty check I received can’t be deposited because of new bank rules that won’t let me deposit a Canadian check made out in American currency. There’s only so much abuse you can heap on a bank teller before someone calls security, so I stamp out of the bank and brood for a while. During this time I’m not ideal company and any little transgression is magnified, which upsets dana.

When dana does something wrong, and I scold her or punish her, I don’t allow myself too much sympathy. But what about when she does nothing wrong, and I go off on her anyway? It may mean nothing to me, but she’s just as hurt.

In my desire to be fair (and that IS my desire), I’ve learned to pull back and try to look at what I’m scolding her for. Is there really a problem, or am I pissed off at something else? There’s no reason for dana to be scolded ‘cause I’m in a bad mood. No reason at all.

Some Doms I know would laugh at my concern, particularly because dana is not a sub, but a slave. To me that’s even more reason for me to be fair to her. She’s given herself to me unconditionally, and how should I reward her? By being unfair? I think not.

This is a personal decision on my part, because I don’t believe power gives me the right to abuse. So I’ve worked on my anger. I’m far less angry than I used to be. I snap less often and usually am over it faster. I think this shows signs of growth. Could you say dana was responsible for that growth? Indirectly yes. I was responding to her reaction.

I’m probably going to get some flack for saying this, but just as a Dom trains a sub, a sub trains a Dom as well. Doms, the good ones at least, look for reactions. When we get reactions we like, we repeat behavior. If that’s not training, I don’t know what is. It’s not a conscious process, even though I’m often aware of it after the fact.

As dana’s Master I could have another slave if I so desired. I’ve said so and dana, of course, agrees. But I also know it would make her unhappy. The question of course is simple...do I want to have an unhappy slave? Will that improve my standard of living? Will collaring another slave (and thus having two) make me happier than having one happy slave?
I love the idea of having two slaves and in fact, have gone this route before, but I’ve found such relationships seldom last. It’s easy to forget that women who become slaves later in life, still have years and years of social programming to overcome. Many subs and slaves want to be the only one, or at least the only one collared. So again, I’m back to the debate.

As a Master, I’m free to do whatever I want. As a responsible Master, I have constraints. Though my constraints are self-imposed, the reason for them is not. I’m acting on the possible consequences of my decision--consequences I’ll have to live with. I know dana would allow me to collar another woman, but you can’t command a slave not to feel something. She would have feelings, would have a reaction which ultimately I do not believe she would be able to control, though she would try as hard as she could. Hence the price for having two slaves becomes excessive. It’s not worth it to me.

When I first became a Dom, I was like a kid in a candy store. There were so many submissive women floating around and I went on a rampage. I’m not proud of this. But I learned from the experience.

Subs are human beings with very real feelings. I didn’t realize at first just how deep those feelings ran, or how intense they could become. I understood the outward appearance of D/s, without any of the underlying implications. I broke a few hearts I’m sorry to say, though never intentionally. Looking back, I realize I was oblivious.

More recently, there was a sub who really really liked me. In fact, she was obsessed with me. In the distant past I’d have made use of her without much thought to what she was going through, or what dana would go through (for I certainly wouldn’t hide it from her). As tempting as it was, I walked away from the situation, rather than hurt a relatively new submissive, and dana (and myself) in the process. Have I grown? I can’t deny it.

They say power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Well, someone said it at some point. They also say with power comes responsibility. I could easily see myself going too far, asking too much, and ultimately destroying what I love. Can I possibly be so self-centered to allow that to happen?

The answer once would have been yes, as I’ve seen it happen with my own two eyes. But those same eyes now have a bit more vision, and suddenly I find I can see more clearly things I’ve never noticed before.

Do I have regrets about not taking a second slave? Not really. For though it would be nice in fantasy, the reality of the situation has made itself known to me. It’s hard enough being responsible for your own actions. Having a slave adds infinitely to that responsibility. How could I possibly manage that level of intensity with two slaves?

I may just be a gardener, but I pride myself on just how well the seed I’ve planted has grown. Just as I wouldn’t do anything to hurt my garden, so I wouldn’t do anything to hurt my slave. So I close the door on an old fantasy, but I do it with love.